More bad stars

[fbhjr]

I don’t like August.
I know a whole lot of people born this time of year who probably think
highly of it.  I mean nothing bad towards any of you when I say I don’t
like this time of year.
When I was young it was one of my favorite times.  But, that’s changed over
the years.

It was 10 years ago today my father died.  Now, to be fair, since he had
called me at work that time in June of 96 to say I was an embarrassment to
the family, we hadn’t been getting along.  And, we weren’t exactly close
before that.
As I said to someone 10 years ago when it happened, I didn’t feel bad he
died.  He had been having strokes for another 10 years before that.  He was
really only a shell of the person he had been.
But, before he died there was always that dream that the regret I know he
had over driving 2 of his 3 kids away would overcome his fear and cowardice
and he would do something to make amends.  I know it would never be enough,
especially for Anne.  But, he could at least do something.
It’s a dream that was never going to happen, even if he lived to be 1000.
But, once he died, there wasn’t even the chance.

Speaking of my sister, Saturday was the 16th anniversary of the last time I
heard from her.  The reason I used to like this time of year was that Anne
used to come home this time of year to celebrate my grandmother’s birthday,
which would have been yesterday.  (Yes, my father collapsed coming out of a
Barnes and Noble bookstore on what would have been his mother in law’s
100th birthday.  I maintain he held on for another day just to be sure that
isn’t when he died.)
16 years ago I had been planning to drive out to Rockford IL and visit my
sister.  She is not someone who enjoyed people visiting her.  So, she
called me that August night 16 years ago and begged me not to drive out and
see her.  Told me how she just couldn’t take being reminded of everything
she left behind.  That I shouldn’t blame myself, but she just couldn’t take
that.

There are other stars I will soon pass under that remind me of things as
bad or worse then these.

A few, who really don’t know me well, have accused me or reliving these
things, being stuck in them or remembering them to hold them against people.
That certainly isn’t how I see it.

I see it as navigating though parts of the sea where there have been
problems before.
“This straight is prone to storms.”  “Beware of the reefs in this section.”
“The currents here pull you to the west.”

I remember these times to try and avoid the bad again.  To look for the
clouds on the horizon and spot a coming storm.  To look for the water
breaking over a reef and pull farther out to sea.
I remember these things so I don’t sail blindly into the dark.  All of
these things had warnings.  Not all could have been avoided, but they might
have been made less bad.
I remember these things not to relive them in my memory.  But, to try and
avoid reliving them or things like them again in the now or future.

I look at the disasters of the past not to relive them.  Not to keep the
pain alive.  Not to accuse or condemn or anything like that.

I look back at them because I am firmly convinced that they were not
inevitable.
I look back at them because I have hope that things can be better and I
need to know what to avoid to make that possible.

Comments

[malterre.livejournal.com]

*love*

[kismets-kiss.livejournal.com]

Hugs!

[morgan-lafaye.livejournal.com]

Without the bad, you would have nothing to compare the good to. You have friends that love you and care about you. "Hugs"

[cissa.livejournal.com]

Navigating. Exactly. That's what I feel about my family-of-origin.

It seems like now the only survivors are me and my mother- who I have not dealt with in decades. Both my sister and my father are dead; I have not looked into aunts etc.

I remain estranged from my mother because the ways in which she was horrible to me would be only more acute with my daughter- and my loyalty is to my daughter rather than my mother. I do not care to explain and attempt to justify my daughter's choices to my mother, and that would be required.

ETA: My sister's birthday was Aug. 11, so I'm thinking of her/it.

I'm pretty sure that my daughter doesn't "get" the choices I'm making... but that's OK; I'm not asking that of her. I still have her back, even if she doesn't get that. :)