One day at a time

[fbhjr]

This coming Saturday at 4:15 in the afternoon it will be 40 years since I stopped drinking.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

There is an episode of Cheers that came out about 6 months before I quit that resonates with me a lot:
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Recap/CheersS1E10EndlessSlumper

Like Sam in that episode, I kept something from the last time I got drunk. It was a half finished bottle of Yukon Jack whiskey I had been drinking the weekend before. Quite unusually for me, I hadn’t finished it. That should probably be a milestone on its own.
For many years it sat on my desk under an Oscar the Grouch hand puppet.

There are times when I’d question my not drinking and if I was just lazy in continuing in a path.
I’d lift up Oscar and see the remaining whiskey in that bottle and say “I could just drink this any time I wanted, I’m choosing not to.” The reminder it was a choice I was making helped.

In that Cheers episode, Sam loses his memento of his last drink and his luck goes down hill.
For me, one day I found Oscar without his support on my desk. The remaining bottle was missing.
It turns out that one weekend when my wife and I were away my mother in law snuck into our place to fool around with her boyfriend and went searching for something to drink. Along with everything we had in a corner of the kitchen, they found the bottle under Oscar and drank it.
I had some pretty bad luck in that time too…

Having that bottle meant it didn’t have to be forever.
I could say “one day, I’ll get to the other half of this”.
I didn’t have to say “never again”, just “not right now”.
The idea I was waiting a while longer was easier for me than giving it up forever.

40 years feels different.
My not drinking is middle aged.
It’s been more than half my life. (63.978% as I write this.)
It’s become the default.
Even the very few folks still in my life who knew me when I drank have now known me much longer when I didn’t, so don’t think of it as unusual. And, the vast majority of folks I interact with never knew me back before May 1986, so have always known me as a non-drinker.

I remember when drinking was a sign of being an adult. I don’t seem to get that from the kids these days. And, no one doubts I’m grown up these days. Now they’re more likely to ask if I got out of a nursing home.
A much higher percentage of folks I know don’t drink than back in the day.
Back in the day, it stood out as something out of the ordinary.
Not any more.
Now there is a “that’s cool, we’ve got other drinks without alcohol”, when I say I don’t drink is great, but also puts me a bit on edge.

I’m not expressing a preference. There’s something behind that door I don’t want to let out. It’s destructive and could, very easily, destroy everything I value in my life these days.
In the past there have been people who have tried to get my drinking again. People who thought I was more fun when drinking or wanted to see me less constrained than normal.
I have trust issues when folks tell me they have no interest in trying to open that door.

There are times I miss having that bottle around if for no other reason than to say “not today, Oscar.”

Comments

[threemeninaboat]

Congratulations and I'm proud of you. I have very few family members who came to that conclusion.

[chris_warrior]

my mother in law snuck into our place to fool around with her boyfriend and went searching for something to drink. Along with everything we had in a corner of the kitchen, they found the bottle under Oscar and drank it.

i never expect the stories to surprise/shock me wrt this person... and then they do. WTabsoluteF.

also, congrats on 40 years. <3