30 years

[fbhjr]

30 years ago today was the first time I said “no thanks” to an offered
drink.
Although my last drink of alcohol was probably the night before, I count
that saying no as when I quit drinking, not whatever the last drink had
been.

30 years has been a long time. Regan was president. There were only 3 Star
Wars movies. I had my engineering degree, but had yet to find a job as an
engineer so was working at McDonalds flipping burgers. (I got an
engineering job the next week.)

In many ways it doesn’t feel like 30 years.

In many ways it doesn’t feel like I’ve quit.
I said no. I have continued to say no.
But, in those 10,958 days since then there have been a grand total of zero
when I didn’t think about it. A grand total of zero when I wasn’t tempted
to have one.
Even those few days in there I had food poisoning and couldn’t keep
anything, I thought about it.
Of course I’m not sure that in all that time there hasn’t been an ad on TV,
movies, billboards, magazines or on line suggesting it either.
Almost every time we’ve gone out to eat in those 10,958 days someone asks
“would you like to start with a drink?”

30 years doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything with it.
It feels more like I had been clinging to the face of a cliff. Sometimes I
moved up. Often down. Sometimes people pulled me one way or the other.
Sometimes the edges I was holding onto gave way.
30 years ago I pulled myself onto a ledge.
It wasn’t the top. I didn’t turn and walk away from that cliff.
I just got off of the up and down part.
Things have happened since that have made parts of the edge crumble. There
were a few times I was close to falling over again.
I ended up on it in the first place because of crumbling edges. I’m not
blaming that. I had been standing on the edge already looking down.
There certainly have been a few folks who have reached over that edge and
tried to pull me back. One going so far as to try and sneak alcohol into
things without my knowing. (He failed as his plan hinged on my trusting
him. Why he thought I’d trust him is a mystery.)

There are times I think I must be at the top. There are times I’m very
worried about falling back in.

After all this time there is a part of me that says “it’s been 30 years!
Keep going! You don’t want to ruin all this work!”
There is another part of me that is almost as loud saying “it’s been 30
years. You have proved you can stop! It won’t hurt to start again as you
have proven you’ve stopped! Plus now you’d be able to control it more!
There are other things in your life now that would keep it in check! You
can relax and let go again!”

After 30 years, I do not feel particularly more secure in it than I did
that afternoon in 1986.
I said no then.
I have continued to say no.
I have never stopped wanting to say yes.

One day at a time.
10,958 so far.

Comments

[newlifeinstpaul.livejournal.com]

Congratulations!

Also, all Star Wars movies were considered GOOD if not great :D

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

The first date my wife and I went on was to see Return of the Jedi.
So I think all of them were great!

[manintheboat.livejournal.com]

I'm supposed to go to a funeral this week of a friend who drank himself to death at 45.
But I can't.
I've got too many feelings watching my father drink himself to dead.

Maybe that was the right choice for them. maybe living is the right choice for you.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

My grandfather died 28 years before I was born. The alcohol and drugs were all that did it, but...

[touchofgr3y.livejournal.com]

That's amazing to think about - 10,958 days. You're amazing :)

[brickhousewench.livejournal.com]

I've got a high school friend over on FB who posts frequently about attending AA meetings (or as she calls it "Drunks R Us"). I think you've said that you did this alone, cold turkey, for which I have the greatest respect. Because not drinking in our culture is hard enough for me, and I don't even like or want to drink. Just know that you are not alone, and if you ever need the support of other dry drunks, they're out there meeting in church basements, talking about how hard it is to say No.

*Hugs*

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I think about that a lot too...

[manue7a.livejournal.com]

Even if you can't control the craving, you can control your actions and that's great!

[anigo.livejournal.com]

Wow. 30 years is an incredible accomplishment. Congrats on your success, and here's hoping for another 30.

xox

[chaquir.livejournal.com]

you're doing GREAT Frank!! Big thumbs up for you

[resonant.livejournal.com]

Even after 30 years you don't stop thinking about it? Crap.

Thank you for showing it's possible.

(nearly 3 years and 7 months here).

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Good on you for 3&7!

It's easier than it was. The peer pressure let up after I got known as the one who didn't drink. And, someone who could be a designated driver..
But, I do still think about it...

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

that's an amazing accomplishment, and IMHO you *should* feel proud. congrats!

[opakele.livejournal.com]

Onward.

Nightsky tells me he quit drinking because he liked it way too much.

You have accomplished amazing things.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I often say it was because I used up my lifetime supply at 23.
It certainly wasn't because I didn't like it...
Good on him for quitting!

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

There are times I still feel a little guilty since having met you and have become friends where I was baffled that you didn't drink. It's awkward because I never really drank a drop until…Um…When…Um… 2010? And sometimes I still feel bad when I'd thought "well, if he had just one drink or a sip, I don't think that'd be a big deal for him, he shouldn't feel one drink would be instant death".

But of course I very actively choose to not drink excessively. My maybe one beer a month, ooh such a lush.

I never understood the appeal of getting so drunk bad things happen and somehow that's "cool" or it's how it's supposed to work. The stories you've told are both amusing but horrifying at the same time. I totally understand with your reasoning now and want to continue to support your decision and praise it.
In fact your stance has been, dare I say, inspiring, for me to not feel the need
to drink all the time.

It is shocking how pervasive it all is, everywhere.

[daturabelle.livejournal.com]

30 years is an amazing achievement!

[hindustar.livejournal.com]

You rock. Honestly. I am in awe of your strength. =)

[thistle-chaser.livejournal.com]

30 years? Wow! Big congratulations!

[canyoncat.livejournal.com]

30 years of not saying yes sounds like a lot to me. It's a lot to be proud of even if you are still tempted. You will likely always be tempted because that's just the way it is with these things sometimes. But standing firm and continuing to say "no thanks"... that's seriously big and takes a strong person with a lot of character.

[merilune.livejournal.com]

You're a strong person. Having seen quite a few people at the hospital at the end of their lives due to alcohol and/or drug abuse, I am very thankful that you said "no thanks" 30 years ago and have continued to since.

[meathiel]

Some kind of friend who tried to sneak alcohol in things ... :-(

Kudos to you for not giving in to that voice!!!

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

It was Ed. He was not a very good friend.
If you want to read a disgusting story about him:
http://fbhjr.livejournal.com/169247.html

[katefinn.livejournal.com]

The most important thing is that you keep saying no. You choose you every time you say no. You're fairing pretty good for a long time! :)

[anwyn-elfmaiden.livejournal.com]

You are a strong person, and even if the craving is there you decide.... You are awesome!

[phoenixisrisen.livejournal.com]

Congrats. I am very aware of my drinking because my fathers family were mostly alcoholics. But you are stronger than I am. And I would have thrown Ed out the window and his stuff out the back door.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

It has been over 35 years since I smoked, and I still dream about it. I really miss it, particularly the fiddling; knitting helps, but...

So I sympathize, and I hope visiting us when we drink wine is not a problem. :) We are careful to cook out all booze when we do a sauce that includes it!

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

It only bothers me when others drink if they get mad I don't join in.
That has never been a problem with you, so no worries.