30 years

[fbhjr]

30 years ago today was the first time I said “no thanks” to an offered
drink.
Although my last drink of alcohol was probably the night before, I count
that saying no as when I quit drinking, not whatever the last drink had
been.

30 years has been a long time. Regan was president. There were only 3 Star
Wars movies. I had my engineering degree, but had yet to find a job as an
engineer so was working at McDonalds flipping burgers. (I got an
engineering job the next week.)

In many ways it doesn’t feel like 30 years.

In many ways it doesn’t feel like I’ve quit.
I said no. I have continued to say no.
But, in those 10,958 days since then there have been a grand total of zero
when I didn’t think about it. A grand total of zero when I wasn’t tempted
to have one.
Even those few days in there I had food poisoning and couldn’t keep
anything, I thought about it.
Of course I’m not sure that in all that time there hasn’t been an ad on TV,
movies, billboards, magazines or on line suggesting it either.
Almost every time we’ve gone out to eat in those 10,958 days someone asks
“would you like to start with a drink?”

30 years doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything with it.
It feels more like I had been clinging to the face of a cliff. Sometimes I
moved up. Often down. Sometimes people pulled me one way or the other.
Sometimes the edges I was holding onto gave way.
30 years ago I pulled myself onto a ledge.
It wasn’t the top. I didn’t turn and walk away from that cliff.
I just got off of the up and down part.
Things have happened since that have made parts of the edge crumble. There
were a few times I was close to falling over again.
I ended up on it in the first place because of crumbling edges. I’m not
blaming that. I had been standing on the edge already looking down.
There certainly have been a few folks who have reached over that edge and
tried to pull me back. One going so far as to try and sneak alcohol into
things without my knowing. (He failed as his plan hinged on my trusting
him. Why he thought I’d trust him is a mystery.)

There are times I think I must be at the top. There are times I’m very
worried about falling back in.

After all this time there is a part of me that says “it’s been 30 years!
Keep going! You don’t want to ruin all this work!”
There is another part of me that is almost as loud saying “it’s been 30
years. You have proved you can stop! It won’t hurt to start again as you
have proven you’ve stopped! Plus now you’d be able to control it more!
There are other things in your life now that would keep it in check! You
can relax and let go again!”

After 30 years, I do not feel particularly more secure in it than I did
that afternoon in 1986.
I said no then.
I have continued to say no.
I have never stopped wanting to say yes.

One day at a time.
10,958 so far.