More on names

[fbhjr]

When I say “my father” I mean my paternal parent.
When I say “my mother” I mean my maternal parent.
When I say “my sister” I mean my father’s daughter.
When I say “my brother” I mean my parent’s other son.
When I say “my aunt” I mean either my father or mother’s sister, or the
wives of my uncles.
When I say “my uncle” I mean one of my mother’s brothers or the husbands of
my aunts.
When I say “my cousin” I mean the children, grand children or great grand
children of my aunts and uncles.

So, why I am I told that when I say “my wife” I somehow mean “my
possession” instead of “woman that I’m married to”?

It is a description of a relationship, just as the other terms are. And, I
honestly don’t see why it is any more or less then that.

Is she my wife?
Yes. We got married. That makes her my wife. It makes me her husband.
That’s pretty much the definition of what getting married meant. Our
wedding created that relationship between us. It didn’t create
possessions, it created a relationship.

Eight years ago, my father died. If some other man now adopted me that
would make him my father. It would make me his son. It wouldn’t make him
my possession or me his. It would create a relationship between us.
Marriage, like adoption, creates relationships between people.
Relationships that are important enough that there are special words to
describe them.

Now, if anything, I think the relationship created when we got married is
more important then the ones I list at the start of this post. Because of
all of the ones I list, marrying me was the only one that is voluntary. My
brother got no choice in me. Nor did my uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.
But, my wife did choose to marry me.
To me, that’s very powerful.
Of all the people in the world, she chose me.

That’s one of the reasons that these accusations bother me so much. They
totally discount the things I think are most important and substitute some
sort of twisted stereotype.
Are there people out there who live down to that stereotype? Yes, I’m sure
there are.
Does that mean everyone does? No.
It is not right to judge everything on the stereotype.

Comments

[evrgreen.livejournal.com]

I think that you did a very good job of explaining this - though I am not one of those who are contorting the meaning of "my wife". I also use the term "my wife", and my wife refers to me as "my husband". I think that most people in our society have long abandoned the view/perception of women as chattel, but there are certainly some people that are bound and determined to try to keep alive the "scourge of misogyny" even when it means that they must fling and splash their stereotypical labels. I think that the term "my husband/wife" should NOT be construed in a debasing manner - in some sense I do "belong" to her as she does to me. But this is not to be interpreted as a control or dominance thing, rather in the same manner as a friend, which is also a relationship between two people based on mutual decision/choice and not as a pure coincidence of biological function.

I think that both you and your wife understand what you mean, even if others choose not to. That is the most important thing.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Well of course you'd defend it. You're a guy and therefore must be part of the "scourge of misogyny".

[saeble.livejournal.com]

last time I ran across the radfemme brigade whilst with a significant other, I said 'my partner' and they made sideways comments about me being a possessive male, so... I made pains to introduce my GF to some other people in earshot...

"Oh hi X, I'd like you to meet my bitch, Y."

I got a thwacking from the GF and a laugh from everyone concerned.

Fuck em...

I have very little time for buzz-cut, army boot shod, penis challenged, commie, shoulder be-chipped, smelly dykes.

:P

[saeble.livejournal.com]

did I get enough stereotypes in there ? *grins*

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

We've got a friend who refers to his wife as "his whore" and she's fine with that.
One can only imagine what they'd say if I followed suit...

[saeble.livejournal.com]

'whore' is a bit much, so is 'ho' I guess

I was making the point without going overboard.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I'm just fine calling her my wife...
They seem to have problems with it. And, they seem to be trying to talk her into having problems with it too. That's what bugs me.

[saeble.livejournal.com]

well defusing this sort of bollocks is a matter of either sending it up, or pretending its far worse than it is.

More effective if shes the one to say it.

'Oh he's not only my husband, he is my Master and Commander...'

[capt-amos.livejournal.com]

I would think it is a title a woman would be proud of...after all, a huge majority spend a large portion of their lives working to acquire it.
:-)

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Really?
I had no idea that many women wanted to be my wife....

[capt-amos.livejournal.com]

Can you imagine the women who have been disappointed when the words "my wife" came out of your mouth over 25 years?

The list is probably longer than you think. :-)

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I don't think it would be difficult for the list to be longer than I think. ;)

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

I had an engaged couple who were friends back in college who would refer to each other as fiance, then when they go married they called each other [my] wife and [my] husband...Doesn't bother me...I'm not the one who's married.

Maybe throw a little LOTR into the mix?

I am her Ring Bearer. It is my burden to bare. :P :D

At first meeting you two and getting to know you, I found it odd you'd refer to her as "my wife", but you never explained why until now, and it makes perfect sense. If that is what both of you have accepted, then noone ought to give you grief.

So yeah I'm confuzled about other people who get bent out of shape when they're not even married or married to your wife...It's an official proper title. Umm, deal? I don't understand these people who get irked over what other people do, it's not affecting them, why do they care so much?

[yebo.livejournal.com]

I think that too many people get hung up on the "my" bit, tempered by this being the one relationship from the list above where (at least theoretically) you have any choice in the matter.

I've known the two of you for a long time, and aside from "we are married so if this happens at all it happens between us"-themed incidents, I've never known you to treat H. as a restriisted-access "thing".

[yebo.livejournal.com]

Of course, mow that I've had some caffeine, I realize that my post implies that you may objectify her in certain circumstances, which is not so... My befuddled morning brain just meant to say that there are some areas where you are posessive, but your marriage has given you license to do so.