Part of my problem

[fbhjr]

Part of the issue I have in dealing with people in understanding what they
want. There are times I just don’t understand what is being asked, but
think I do.
Because where I’ve gone with it can be in a totally different direction,
even communicating the difference can be difficult.

When I was young, I spent a lot of time in special needs classes because of
problems like this. I would be nice to think that those classes were there
to help people like me who had problems understanding things to relate
better and understand more. But, that was not my experience.

I remember being in one special needs session when I was six or seven years
old where there were a bunch of us seated in the gym. We were told that if
we did the exercise they wanted us to do, we’d get a piece of candy and get
to go home.
We were handed two popsicle sticks and told to hold one in each hand out in
front of us.
“Now, look from one to the other without moving your head,” we were told.

I had thought this was an instruction as to what muscles you were allowed
to use in this motion. No muscle on your head was allowed.
Doing my best to follow the directions, I held out the sticks, locked my
eyes forward and moving only my neck muscles rotated my head to move my
eyes from one to the other.

“Frank, you’re doing it wrong,” I was told. “Everyone else got it right.
Everyone but Frank, come get your candy and go home.”
I had not seen what the others did that was right. I assumed that they had
just been better at controlling the movement of their heads. I assumed I
had blinked or something like that, so it counted as my head moving.
I did it again, this time to be sure not to even blink.
“You’re doing it wrong,” the teacher said. “You’re moving your head.”
“No, I’m moving my neck,” I said. “I didn’t move any of the muscles on my
head that time I was very careful.”
“You moved your head,” the teacher repeated. “Don’t do that.”
I held the sticks back out and was very, very careful to keep all the
muscles on my head still as I rotated between the two.
“You moved your head!” the teacher yelled.
“No!” I shouted back. “I’m moving my neck!”
“Frank, can you do it just by moving your eyes?” the second teacher asked.
“Of course,” I said. I held out the sticks and moved my eyes from one to
the other.
“Here’s your candy, you can go,” the second teacher said.

I really thought, sitting there at 6 years old in the gym that the purpose
of the exercise was to control all the muscles on your head so they
wouldn’t move while you were controlling your neck muscles to do something
else.
I had been given no example of how to do it, and had missed everyone else
doing it right as I had been trying myself at the time.
And, the teacher would only tell me I was wrong without giving me any
explanation of why my interpretation wasn’t the right one.
I’m not saying “I was right” or anything like that. What was wanted was my
only moving my eyes. What I had interpreted, not to move any muscles on
your head, specifically precluded doing that.
It is just an example of how my fundamental understanding of what is being
communicated is sometimes drastically different from the person telling me.
And, simply telling me I’m wrong doesn’t help because I don’t even
understand what is being requested.

This ties in to what my boss said to me this week about being less
defensive when I’m wrong. It is something other people have told me many
times over the last 5 decades.
If I don’t understand that I have something wrong, I have a huge problem
“accepting I’m wrong and moving on”

I do not, in any way, feel that I don’t make mistakes or am always right.
But if I think I’ve done something right and am told it is wrong I need to
understand why.
There have been a fair number of times this has come down to people
shouting at me that I’m wrong.
I guess they see it as me being stubborn or defensive or whatever and just
not willing to accept that I’m wrong.
I’ve never been a fan of the “because I say so” reason for people to be
right.
If I don’t understand, I am not good at accepting.
And, that’s part of the problem.

Comments

[brickhousewench.livejournal.com]

I think I’ve done something right and am told it is wrong I need to understand why.

Oh, I can totally relate to this! Maybe the best way to deal with this is to say something like, "Perhaps we have a miscommunication here. The way that I understood the problem, this is the correct solution. Perhaps you were asking me to solve a different problem than the one I actually solved?" Or something like that that could lead to more communication?

I dunno. But rest assured, you're not the only person who needs to know WHY things happen and is frustrated with "this is wrong" or "because I said so." as answers. Those are non-answers.

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

If I don’t understand that I have something wrong, I have a huge problem “accepting I’m wrong and moving on”

i actually think this is pretty normal. :) i think the rare thing is someone who can just shrug off another's opinion of their behavior as wrong even if they believe that what they did was right. *HUG*

[manintheboat.livejournal.com]

I demonstrate that eyeball exercise 8 times a week. Nobody gets it right like that. I SHOW them. Here's my head staying still, only my eyeballs are moving.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Once shown it was not an issue for me.
The other kids in he class did seem to get it right off.

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

I hope you had more encounters with the 2nd teacher, as that first teacher yelling at you for being "wrong" is an idiot.

I know exactly how you feel / frustrated with inadequate communication, and trying to get the result you want from someone else and vice versa.

I think I had a few similar experiences with physical challenges or movements and not being able to "get it right" the first time.
and I certainly know there were some very stressful moments when it came to complicated math problems (or complicated to me)

There were a number of lesser incidents with coworkers and managers from previous work places, where a procedure had to be done one specific
way that didn't make sense to me, or, I had trouble with the sequence. Given the chance to try a slightly different approach I'd be able to come up
with the exact same result just a slight variation of the sequence, yet according to others the variation was "still wrong" or not good enough. Very irritating.

I see it in Reenacting, too. There were several times learning a new sequence that made no sense at first, but a different wording of the movements or
better demonstration of what was done brought the "Ah Ha!" moment....As well as the "Well why didn't you say so in the first place!"

[brickhousewench.livejournal.com]

When you train as a teacher, one of the things that they try to instill in you is that different people learn in different ways. An explanation that makes perfect sense to one student will be incomprehensible to another student. So if someone asks you to explain something again, you should never just repeat the first explanation (that didn't make sense to them) but try to find a new way to explain it (that might make sense to them).

It's one of those little lessons in How Humans Communicate that I think everyone needs to hear, not just teachers. We'd have a whole lot less hurt feelings if people just understood that what makes sense to you doesn't always make sense to someone else.

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

I vividly remember a transition between "do as we say"/"conform" and "we need to find a better way to teach you / communicate in a way you understand" approaches to teaching when I was in school, and, having trouble and going to the "Special" section and classrooms. But I think when that go over-emphasized we started to see the backlash being the "we're making kids into Wimps these days" mentality, mixed with that toxic "standardized testing" thing...Just a bad concoction.

Anyway, I agree, it's about HOW we communicate and try to get information across to everyone when everyone receives information in different ways. I do also agree that some of us with various...dare I call them "disabilities"....need to have a different approach as we can't always keep up with the "regular" crowd that can take in information as a whole.

It's too bad that teachers are now seen as inefficient and too expensive. If there were better teacher to student ratios, and of course a reduction in the push for standardized tests, I have little doubt these sorts of complications would be greatly reduced. We're dealing with developing young humans, not programming pre-fab and pre-programmed robot adults.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Sadly type 1 was the standard for at least my first 7 years of school.

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

That's what I was afraid to hear. Sad. :( Good news is you turned out to be a good person, and try to realize these complications, etc.

[cosmicirony.livejournal.com]

I take it as proof that you are truly an engineer! What exactly is meant by "your head"? When you say "moving your head" what is included? The other kids got it because they didn't have the capacity to think outside the box.