Old enough to vote

[fbhjr]

Tonight will be 18 years since I last heard from my sister Anne.

In many ways she was the most important person in my life growing up.  Yes,
my parent fed me, clothed me and all that.  And, once past the age of two,
my sister was only home for a few weeks each year.  She is 15 years older
than me, so by the time I became self aware (September 2, 1968 at about
4:30 in the afternoon) she was already off to college, driving and
generally a “grown up”.  So, from my perspective she was always more of a
contemporary of my parents anyhow.

My sister was the person that I admired.  She was the one I wanted to be
like when I grew up. (Of course I sit here an engineering manager like my
dad.  Working 11 hours a day like my dad.  Writing every day in a journal,
like my dad.)  She was the one that I wanted to be proud of me.  (I’m not
saying I didn’t want my parents to be proud of me.  But, even as a kid I
knew my father would never say it and my mother would use my wanting it as
leverage against me.)

I remember taking her to a supermarket on that trip I made to see her back
in 1990.  (I was there with a car, why make her take the bus?  Even when
she was mad at me we were both practical.)
She carried a list with her of companies that did things she considered
unethical and wouldn’t buy anything from those companies.
I mention this, and my admiration of her convictions to my mother when I
returned.
“As if one person makes a difference,” my mother said.  “She should just
forget that nonsense and buy what she needs.”
“If more people did this sort of thing the world might be a better place,”
I replied.
“Stupid waste of time.”
I look at this whole thing with Chick-Fil-A the last few weeks and wonder.

Intellectually I understand her need to break off and start a new life.  To
leave the pain behind and start over is a fine goal.  She was a pawn in a
game between her mother and my father.  I can’t blame her for leaving the
board and not coming back.  And, I can’t begrudge the desire to start gain
for my sister.

But, I also can’t deny that there is part of me that says “when you were
throwing out your old life, wasn’t it worth keeping me?”
I understand this is a greedy part of me that does no good for my sister.

And, there is every chance in the world my sister’s view of our time
together 40 or so years ago is very different from mine.  To her I was
probably the little brother who insisted on following her everywhere and
wouldn’t leave her alone.
I wasn’t totally without use.  She has an abysmal sense of direction and I
don’t.  So even 40 years ago I could show her how to get places when she
didn’t remember.

That’s the part of me that is hardest to restrain in all of this.  The part
that says “If I prove myself more useful then she will want to have me
around.”
But I know that’s not true.  Other than her bad sense of direction she’s
more than capable of taking care of herself.  She has, to the best of my
knowledge, been living alone for the last 43 years since she got out of
college.

Maybe a younger brother is something you might like to have.  But, when
you’re packing the lifeboat you put in things you need.  And, I am not
willing to overload her lifeboat as much as I stand on the edge of the
water and hope to see it coming back.  Even 18 years later.

Comments

[morgan-lafaye.livejournal.com]

I know your not the huggie type, but still, "hugs". I'm sorry for you. It would be nice if she felt able to reach out to you. Hopefully she one day will.

[kismets-kiss.livejournal.com]

I know, too, that you are not a hugs type person, but I send them anyway.

Your sister threw out the baby with the bathwater, as we say in the south. She should have given you two a chance to know each other, and kept the good things in her previous life (you) and left behind the bad. Whereas a child not your own is not something you can take with you, she could have made the attempt to stay in contact, or at least have done so once you were an adult. Her loss, and I regret that it is one that causes you hurt.

Just my $0.02 worth.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

This is less "baby with the bathwater" and more "I was thrown into the escape pod just before the ship went into warp. Sadly I find the planet where I was left hasn't even discovered the principals of FTL drive."

[cissa.livejournal.com]

That's really sad. Both your understanding and your regret show clearly.

I'm afraid I did something like that to my grandmother when I broke off with the family. I know it made her miserable; I was her favorite. And I loved her a lot, and know she loved me, too.

But- and this is different for you and Anne, I'm sure- I loved her but couldn't trust her, not when she was so terrified of my mother. She never kept anything I told her back from my mother, even when I asked her to and my mother was using it to bully me; and she simply WOULD NOT STOP pressuring me to "make peace" with my mother, because my mother was pressuring her to do that.

I feel awful that she didn't make my lifeboat, and because of things that were not exactly her fault- my mother is a VERY skillful bully- but- if she'd made it in, I could not have actually broken off with my mother, and my own family and I needed that. I doubt there's a day that goes by in which I don't regret it, though, and mourn that I saw- and see- no other way.

ETA: I said it above, but I'll repeat it- I am sure that the dynamics with you and Anne were very, very different; I can't see her thinking that if she allowed you in, she'd perforce have the rest coming along for the ride.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I think it is very much what you say.
I went out there on my father's behaf and shook up her world.
After that, I was not to be trusted.
Yes, it was his (he thought) dying wish to make sure his daughter was told he loved her.
Maybe, just maybe, if he had actually had the courage to say it to her himself that Crhistmas night, things would have been different.
But, I messed up her world for nothing because my father was more of a coward that I expected.
I knew then and there my seat in the lifeboat was gone.

But, I had hoped that when he died (twelve years ago as of the day after tomorrow) it would change. I couldn't be his agent anymore because he was dead.

But, that's not true. I know he loved her and can't unknow that.

She needs to believe that he didn't love her and never did. That is why he ignored her totally from when she was 5 to when she was 15.

And, let's face it, that is the better story.
Who wants the "my father loved me but wouldn't stand up for me when I needed it. He ignored me for 10 years because he was afraid of my mother and then when she died did nothing to change that. He only admitted it when he thought he was dying and sent someone else to tell me."

She was wrong about him not loving her. But, she was right about what kind of man he was.
And, sadly, until Chirstmas day 1990, I didn't know.
Or, more properly put, I thought his almost dying had changed him and it had not.

So, it's not that different.
And, I do understand why my seat was filled with other things when that lifeboat pushed off.
Which is why I do stay away. As much as I miss her.
I bet my seat on a cowardly man doing the right thing. And, lost.

My only defense is that I honestly thought she needed to know why he did what he did. And, even she admitted that it was good to know the reason, even if she didn't like it.

[pallid-regina.livejournal.com]

Having to re-write your coping script from a seriously painful past is just so hard, for some people it's just impossible, and I sympathize with your sister while also totally getting where you are coming from on this.

My baby sister, it turns out, was the one thing worth turning the lifeboat around for. Never have I regretted coming back for her but often I have wondered if there wasn't another option. She was 5 when I left, there would have been NO way for me to have a relationship with her without at least burying the script, if not rewriting it, with my mother.

Even so, so many things would be simpler if I had just kept rowing...but I wouldn't have my baby sister. There's a cost no matter what decision you make.

So, yeah, I sympathize with all parties on this one.