Worries

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So, last night our marriage counselor asked if I had considered
anti-anxiety medication and suggested maybe I should if I hadn’t.
I have very mixed feelings on the subject.
On one hand, I have been very anxious lately. Quite afraid my wife will
leave me again or resume her affair with the other man. My being anxious,
worried and fearful of these things is not helping our relationship.
And, when she did leave me, she left because conditions with me along those
lines had become very bad and it was more than she could take.
If a medication could take the edge off of that, then it might help.
The other hand is much longer. Sorry about that for those of you who are
going to wade through it.
Things got so bad because I feared (correctly) that she was fooling around
with another man. And, I feared (correctly) that she was turning away from
me and falling in love with him. And, I feared (correctly) that we were
coming to a point where her feelings for me would not be enough for her to
remain with me.
How I reacted to those fears did not make things better, and cause my wife
with withdraw faster and farther than she might have otherwise. And, that
is what caused her to ultimately leave.
An anti-anxiety medication might help with that. But, those things aren’t
what started her turning away. They aren’t what started her looking for
support from other people.
That started because she came to believe that I did not love her any more,
respect her any more or want her in my life.
To counteract that, I need to show her more love, more respect and how I do
need her in my life. If that happens, maybe she will turn back to me more
and less towards him.
And, I don’t see how medication will help me do that.
It would be one thing if he said that my fears weren’t real.
But, he doesn’t. Instead he says that they are very justifiable and I have
every right and reason to be afraid of those things.
And, I do understand the worry is over the intensity of my reactions to
those fears.
However, it still make sense to me to try and resolve the cause of those
fears, not just treat the symptom of them.
If I can show my wife how important she is to me, isn’t that better? Won’t
that have the end result of what I want?
Looking up the effects of some of these medications I’ve found lists of
their effects, intended and not so intended.
They list things like apathy, disinterest, loss of sex drive.
My wife says the big attraction to the other man is that he makes her feel
wanted, cared for and sexy.
Do I really want to take a medication that will lessen those aspects of me
when she already says I don’t give her enough of it? Won’t that just make
the problem worse, even if I wouldn’t be as worried about it?
If, as both my wife and the counselor have said, my fears are legitimate,
isn’t it better to solve that and not the symptoms of them?
If you’ve got a building that may fall down, isn’t it better to shore up
the base and not give parachutes to people on the top floor?
I’ve been told by many bosses at several companies that by best asset as an
engineer is that I focus on a problem and don’t let go until it is solved.
They’ve used almost the exact same words for it that my wife uses to
describe my behavior towards our relationship now.
Would doing this get rid of one of my biggest assets professionally?
My work output has not been at its best through this crisis as it is. A
major project is now well behind schedule. While it’s true, other people
did not do what they were supposed to do for it, I didn’t hound them to get
it done either. Usually I do, even though it means making people in other
departments do what I tell them to do. So, while even my boss says it’s
not my fault it’s behind, I know I could have done more to avoid that if I
hadn’t been concentrating on other matters.
But, would medication have helped me to do that? Or, would it have just
stopped me from concentrating on either? Would it make me like this all
the time, not just when I’m worked up about my marriage?
I don’t like being like this. That much is very true.
But, it has very clear causes. It still makes far more sense to me to
address those.
And, I don’t think our counselor does have a good handle on how we
interact. I’m in no way trying to criticize him for that. But, he’s only
seen us eight times. In those eight times I think he’s gotten a better
handle on us than the last guy did in more than a year.
But, I think that his view is still too stereotypical. And, I think this
suggestion is more due to that.
I’ve been doing my best to answer his questions, not take the discussion
off where I want it to go. So, there are some conclusions he comes to that
I don’t think are correct.
He was saying to me last night “you’re whole life is in that brief case,
isn’t it?” I was very surprised at this and said “no” as it isn’t how I
feel about it. It’s a tool case that holds the stuff I use most. I only
carry it up to his office because I need the checkbook in it, the date book
for the next appointment, and don’t want it stolen out of the car while I’m
up there. (Even my wife agreed that was why.)
He knows I get worked up over being on time, and other people being on
time. But, he seems to think that means I schedule every second of every
day, which simply isn’t true. If anything I get worked up over specific
times of scheduled things because I usually don’t lock down my schedule and
have to make sure I do make those things. Spare time and vacations I’m
usually much more of the “let’s take things as they come”. But, he doesn’t
seem to see that.
So, he only sees the really wound up parts. He only sees the really tense
things. And, since those are the things we’re there to help fix, that’s
all I tend to bring up with him.
I’m not sure that he understands that.
So, I’m not sure his suggestion is based on a full enough understanding.
I should also point out it was only a suggestion. He couldn’t prescribe it
anyhow, my primary care physician would have to do so. And, it was just a
“you might want to think about this as it may help” kind of thing. The
fact I’m going on about it so much does show some merit to the idea, right?
I don’t know.
And, honestly, I’m afraid of it.
My experiences with Ritalin were very bad. Granted it was almost 40 years
ago and medications have progressed a lot in that time. But, the memories
of what that was like, even at age 6, make me worry about taking any mood
altering medication unless really needed.
And, I’m an alcoholic. Granted one that hasn’t had a drink in more than 20
years. But, I stopped because I can’t drink just one. I can’t do it
responsibly. And, because 21 ½ years ago my (now) wife said to me “you
become a different person when you drink. And, I don’t like that person.”
(I tell the story of the broken teeth as people tend to accept that better.
But, I broke the teeth 3 years before I gave up drinking.)
One of my grandparents died of complications due to alcohol and morphine
addiction. So, addiction runs in the family. (Both sides, but only one
side had a fatality from it.)
Also, I react unusually to medication. Usually it either doesn’t have any
effect at all, or it has a much stronger than normal one. And, not always
stronger with the intended either.
Things like cold and allergy medicine don’t do a thing for my symptoms and
make me a total zombie mentally. Most pain medication doesn’t work at all
with me. Muscle relaxants that “might cause drowsiness” knocked me out for
half a day. (And, I mean my wife coming home and shaking me awake because
she was afraid I was dead.)
With the Ritalin, my mother said to me “what you’re doing in class scares
your teachers. Don’t do it and you won’t have to take the medicine any
more.” She stopped giving it to me at Christmas. At the end of the school
year the teacher said what a vast improvement the medication made in my
behavior. My mother told the teacher “he hasn’t been taking it. I just
told him how to behave and he did.” (This is one of the few instances
where I appreciate what my mother did for me.)
Can’t the same be accomplished now?
Yes, I’m very wound up about my fears of my wife leaving me or cheating on
me.
Should I address those fears and their root causes, not just medicate them
away?

Some of the folks who are reading this (assuming they haven’t fallen asleep
before getting this far down) have had experience with some of these
medications.
Any suggestions?
Do you think it might help?
Do you think it might hurt?
Let me know.