Not “just a symptom”

[fbhjr]

Several people, including my wife, have told me that her lover is “just a
symptom” of our problems and I should not obsess about him as I do.
However, I do not agree that he is a symptom.
I do agree that her affair with him is a symptom of the problems in our
marriage. There is no doubt about that.
But, he isn’t.
When they first met, the people with him and the people with her both said
he was hitting on her.
According to her journals, he is the one who first spoke of sexual
attraction between the two of them.
And, his post of “how about sex on Friday?” certainly makes clear that he
was after more than just friendship with her.
Those actions are not consistent with being a symptom. Those actions are
consistent with being an accelerant.
Just like gasoline on a fire, he didn’t start the problems. He isn’t the
match. He isn’t the structure being burn. He isn’t the reason the wood
was dry and went up quickly.
But, he did make it burn hotter, faster, and spread places it might not
have on its own. (Yes, the sexual implications of that were on purpose.)
This is why I’m afraid of him coming back into her life.
Maybe, the fire is out now. I really hope so. There is still so much
smoke around that I am not sure. And, very worried about glowing embers.
But, the wood is still dry. Pouring gasoline on a structure is never good.
(Unless you do want it burnt down.)
Doing it in this state worries me a lot. How much of a spark does it take
to get it going again? How many embers are still hot?
What happened between them is a symptom.
But, he helped it a long a good bit. And, I’m worried he’s going to start
doing that again 1/1/08.

Comments

[tamargrl.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, have you said so to her, in so many words?
You don't have to reply in LJ, but I know some of your problems have arisen due to lack of communication, and telling her outright that you don't want to fall back after all the progress you've made... I know I'd like to hear that if it were me.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Yes.
Her response was "I'll have to ponder that one for a while."