Counterintuitive

[fbhjr]

It is strange to me that one of the reasons we had trouble the other night was because I bought my wife a present.
This sort of thing is counterintuitive to me.
I’ve been told I need to be nicer to her. I thought buying her a present was being nice.
But, I guess it made her feel guilty that I bought her something and she didn’t buy me anything. So, she resented that, I felt hurt by her resentment, she felt judged by my hurt and a negative feedback loop was established.
With her explanation, I could see how you could say I was being mean by showing that I have more money than her and can afford stuff she can’t. And, would therefore be putting her down by deliberately putting her in a position of guilt for not being able to do something similar for me in return.
What I have trouble seeing is how that is the most likely conclusion.
Why is it so hard to say “he got me something nice that helps with a problem I had complained about, how nice of him.”
Why is it easier to say “he bought me something expensive so I’d feel bad that I can’t do the same for him and he’ll use the guilt against me?”
Of course, part of the predicament we’re in is that for at least a year the second one has been more of the standard. So, while I thought the first one was the way things were going, I was digging myself deeper and deeper.
It all comes down to expectation.
If you expect I’m an asshole, then you think #2.
If you expect I’m a nice guy, you think #1.
I still have trouble because I have trouble accepting the #2 rational. Since I’m the one doing it, I was there in the store saying “this is exactly what she needs to help her problem. She’ll be so happy to get it.” So, the “asshole” response really surprises me.
I guess it shouldn’t. It’s been going on for decades.
Back in 1983 when we had been going out for about 5 months she asked me how I felt about her and where the relationship was going.
I pondered the question for a few minutes and said “I love you and want to get more serious.”
“You asshole,” she said.
(I guess the expected answer was “the sex is good but I want to see other people”.)
So, there is a long history of her thinking I was doing/saying nice things to manipulate her. I guess I should expect it. But, I don’t.
And, to be honest, I guess you’d have to say I was trying to “manipulate” her by getting her the present.
I really did think “she’ll be so pleased to get this that it will make her happy”. So, I really was trying to manipulate her emotions. Just not the way she was thinking.

Comments

[saeble.livejournal.com]

tough... really tough

sounds like she's been burnt well before she met you, she expects disappointment, she's pessimistic

not something that's easy to combat. All you can do is gently call her on it and walk away and let her think about it. The last thing you should do is press for a solution on the spot. If you have to being something to her attention which isn't going to cast her in a good light, state it calmly, clearly and concisely, then find yourself a place to hide for enough hours for her to mull it over and hopefully accept it.

go to the extent of writing it perhaps

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

The hard part, for me, is to even know when it’s happening.
If I can figure it out, then I do try and get the loop to stop. (I don’t always manage it.)
But, usually she expresses it as something else, not as what upset her. Since I think I did something nice, it takes me a while to figure out the trigger.
The other night her complaint was about the way I kissed her. (How her lover did it better and I couldn’t manage it the way he did.)
For me it takes a huge leap of logic to sit there and say: “she’s upset about the present I gave her 3 hours ago” and not say “she’s comparing me unfavorable to her lover.” The fact that I’m thinking I had just done something nice and get this response make it even harder to stop and analyze it. The fact I was very much hurt by what she said doesn’t put me in a mood that is easy to think about it objectively either.
This is, as I’ve said, how we’ve gotten into such bad straights. For more than a year there have been things that I was doing I thought were OK, and she was mad about.
The things she complained about, that I tried to address, weren’t necessarily the things that were the actual problems. So, I wasn’t working on the right things.
She says things like “didn’t you notice I was upset?”
I say “yes, but you said it was about work, and I believed you. There isn’t much I can do about your work, so I didn’t do much.”
But, in retrospect, I realize it wasn’t work she was upset about.
This is why I say we need to work on our communication. To some extent we really are speaking different languages.
And, obviously, it isn’t just one way either. Stuff I said wasn’t understood and I didn’t make sure it was. I didn’t take the time to make sure what I really meant was getting through. So, if she took things wrong, I didn’t take the time to notice and do anything about it. So I let it spiral on down due to inattention.