The hard part, for me, is to even know when it’s happening. If I can figure it out, then I do try and get the loop to stop. (I don’t always manage it.) But, usually she expresses it as something else, not as what upset her. Since I think I did something nice, it takes me a while to figure out the trigger. The other night her complaint was about the way I kissed her. (How her lover did it better and I couldn’t manage it the way he did.) For me it takes a huge leap of logic to sit there and say: “she’s upset about the present I gave her 3 hours ago” and not say “she’s comparing me unfavorable to her lover.” The fact that I’m thinking I had just done something nice and get this response make it even harder to stop and analyze it. The fact I was very much hurt by what she said doesn’t put me in a mood that is easy to think about it objectively either. This is, as I’ve said, how we’ve gotten into such bad straights. For more than a year there have been things that I was doing I thought were OK, and she was mad about. The things she complained about, that I tried to address, weren’t necessarily the things that were the actual problems. So, I wasn’t working on the right things. She says things like “didn’t you notice I was upset?” I say “yes, but you said it was about work, and I believed you. There isn’t much I can do about your work, so I didn’t do much.” But, in retrospect, I realize it wasn’t work she was upset about. This is why I say we need to work on our communication. To some extent we really are speaking different languages. And, obviously, it isn’t just one way either. Stuff I said wasn’t understood and I didn’t make sure it was. I didn’t take the time to make sure what I really meant was getting through. So, if she took things wrong, I didn’t take the time to notice and do anything about it. So I let it spiral on down due to inattention.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2007-11-02 12:13 pm (UTC)If I can figure it out, then I do try and get the loop to stop. (I don’t always manage it.)
But, usually she expresses it as something else, not as what upset her. Since I think I did something nice, it takes me a while to figure out the trigger.
The other night her complaint was about the way I kissed her. (How her lover did it better and I couldn’t manage it the way he did.)
For me it takes a huge leap of logic to sit there and say: “she’s upset about the present I gave her 3 hours ago” and not say “she’s comparing me unfavorable to her lover.” The fact that I’m thinking I had just done something nice and get this response make it even harder to stop and analyze it. The fact I was very much hurt by what she said doesn’t put me in a mood that is easy to think about it objectively either.
This is, as I’ve said, how we’ve gotten into such bad straights. For more than a year there have been things that I was doing I thought were OK, and she was mad about.
The things she complained about, that I tried to address, weren’t necessarily the things that were the actual problems. So, I wasn’t working on the right things.
She says things like “didn’t you notice I was upset?”
I say “yes, but you said it was about work, and I believed you. There isn’t much I can do about your work, so I didn’t do much.”
But, in retrospect, I realize it wasn’t work she was upset about.
This is why I say we need to work on our communication. To some extent we really are speaking different languages.
And, obviously, it isn’t just one way either. Stuff I said wasn’t understood and I didn’t make sure it was. I didn’t take the time to make sure what I really meant was getting through. So, if she took things wrong, I didn’t take the time to notice and do anything about it. So I let it spiral on down due to inattention.