Question #22

[fbhjr]

This is in answer to the frozendoll meme I started earlier.

#22) A friendship you lost
For many years I had some friends that were very close to me.
For almost 20 years we did quite a bit together. Took vacations together. Spent holidays together. Stood next to each other as we got married. Spent 50 out of 52 weekends after we got married with them staying in our guest room. Stood next to each other at funerals of parents and friends.

Then, several years ago, my wife and I hit a rough patch in our marriage. It can be traced pretty clearly back to ectopic pregnancy in 2003 and losing the chance to have children. Both of us handled that impact to our lives in different ways. Neither of us really shared what we were going through very well as both of us thought it was just ourselves having trouble with it.

And, in the wake of this pain, these people I had thought of as my best of friends fed the darkness. They reinforced my wife’s fears about how I felt about it, without ever checking with me. Sadly their guesses, while very close to stereotypes of some of the people with whom my wife grew up, didn’t fit at all what I was thinking and feeling. (Well, maybe it isn’t sad. I wouldn’t want to be the person they portrayed.)

Eventually that turned into these people I thought were my best of friends posting things on line about what a misogynistic abusive asshole I was and that my wife would be far better off without me. They also publically bashed me for hating gay people and others with alternative lifestyle.

It was hard for me to believe. I thought I had been clear that there was no way to predict or prevent the ectopic pregnancy, so how could they accuse me of blaming her for it and/or trying to punish her for it? She couldn’t have known, couldn’t have prevented it and couldn’t have done anything about it. It’s in that same category as earthquakes: devastating, but unpredictable.
As for the other, these people KNEW I had given readings for gay friends at their wedding. That my siblings both have alternative lifestyles and a fairly large percentage of my ex-roommates were gay.
I think a person who didn’t know me well started that lie, working off stereotypes. But, it got picked up by others and paraded around to prove I was terrible.

It was very difficult for me to spend a weekend home alone and crying to then see tales that I had been on an angry rampage trying to recruit other people to my cause against women and gays.
But, of course, who wants to read about a crushed guy who when left alone cries and cleans the house. It’s just not a very good story. Some sort of evil mastermind who gets folks to do his dirty work plays much better.

One of the things I thought particularly strange was one person who had me babysit her 11 year old daughter several times over that summer then publically posted how I “hate all women”.
If she thought that was true, why leave me with her daughter? Doesn’t the idea that I’m OK watching tween young women mean I don’t “hate all women”?

There are folks who accused me of paranoia back then. But, now that the records are actually available to me, it was even worse than I had imagined. The idea that the person who had been the maid of honor at our wedding and I had been the best man at hers would say to my wife “If you want to cheat on Frank and need a place to do it, you can use my house” had never entered my wildest fears. Yet that same person trying to get my wife to cheat on me and leave me publically slammed me for being a controlling, manipulative, misogynist. And the things she and her other friends said privately, even worse.

The good news is that my wife and I did end up reconciling and my life is far better now than it was back then.

But, those people who had been closer to me than any family I had never apologized for that witch hunt or even showed the slightest bit of remorse.

I don’t want these people back as friends. They have proven themselves to be evil, bigoted people who will hurt people who had helped them without second thought. I don’t need people like that in my life.
And, despite the pain they caused me, I wish them no ill. Pain to another does nothing to remove pain from me.
I can’t say I’m totally happy that they haven’t been hit by lightning or some something similar for being so mean and telling such lies about me. And, should I hear of a meteor falling on their heads I might well smile.
But, if God, fate, the universe or anything else you care to believe in doesn’t feel the need to call them on being mean to me, then I’m not going to decide I know better and do it myself.
As I said, I would gain nothing from them being hurt. However, it would be nice to think that there is some sort of universal justice and you can’t be that mean to someone and just go your merry way and live happily ever after. But, I guess you can.

I do wish they’d go away. I wish they wouldn’t hang out with my wife, on line or in person. I wish I didn’t see their names pop up in my LJ statistics page on who reads what I write.
I just wish they’d go away and not come back.
I do look forward to dancing on their graves, but will do nothing to rush that event.

Comments

[morgan-lafaye.livejournal.com]

Things do have a way of working around. You might not see/hear of it for quite awhile, but what gets thrown out comes back to the person flinging it.

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

agreed. totally and completely.

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

speechless.

*HUGS*

[64tbird.livejournal.com]

Callahanians, (people who have read Spider Robinson's books and formed an online community at alt.callahans back in the day) have a strict policy of "no prying". I didn't know you through all of that, I only knew your wife. I did my best to be supportive of her without being judgmental or prying. I didn't know you.

I was a little surprised to meet you in NY, and wary, but in the end glad that you came along.

And I am really glad things worked out for both of you.

It takes a lot not to care what other people think of you. I know that the ex's family still blames his entire mess of a life on me, and on my leaving. (Uh, the mess came first, I left because he wouldn't help himself.) I had to go through therapy to stop caring what these people thought of me. They can think whatever they want. I know the truth.

You also know the truth.

The rest is trivia.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Thank you for giving me a chance.
It meant a lot to me.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

A quote from "Christmas Carol": "May you be happy in the life you have chosen."

Personally, I think that's damning enough for people who behave badly.

It's not my job to create their karma... but it's also not my job to do squat to prevent it; I'll be here, watching the trainwreck (IF I can be bothered to do so, which mostly I can't; life's too short.)

I had someone about 10 years ago who I considered to be a close friend. Thing is- she lied to me. A lot. Even when it gained her nothing. I suppose it was a test- whether i would confront her on it (I didn't; I'm from the Midwest where that would be FAR beyond rude!), so she started to despise me, and mock me even to my face.
And then she desperately needed a ride to a doctor and had no one else to ask, and i did it- despite a deadline- and she EVISCERATED me for that when I asked her for something really minor in exchange.

I hope she's happy in the life she's chosen... but I really doubt it, and am not especially sorry.

I think you are a good person. And i don't say that lightly.