Oh yeah, these stars….

[fbhjr]

It was a year ago today I found the door to Bluebeard’s basement open and
looked in that door.
I do not regret looking.  Without looking the cleaning could not have begun.
And, in the year since a lot of cleaning has taken place and the home is
far, far better than it was.

But, a year later I’m still shaken by it.  I’m still uncomfortable with
doors and worried what might lurk behind them.
This does lead to what my wife describes as my opening doors like “Starsky
and Hutch”.  Because that is the way I deal with being afraid of what’s
behind the door.  Kick it open, see what’s there and hope I can deal with
it.
I’m not saying it is a good way.
But, it is the way I tend to do things.  My first response.
Some folks who know me well have been known to shout “Wait!  It’s
unlocked!” at appropriate times.

The zombie still lives down there.  Even if I wanted to I’m not sure I
could get him out, and I’m not sure I want to.  And, he isn’t one of those
“eat your brains” kind of zombies.  He’s more of those “moves when you
don’t expect it” kinds.  When he was alive he was a friend.
But, it can still be quite a shock to come around a corner and find him
there.

The ghost still buzz around the place.  Short of a proton pack that would
leave the place wrecked there isn’t much to be done about that.  Opening
the windows and doors and letting the sunlight in has certainly reduced
their appearances.  But, they’ll never be gone.

The good news is that there is no sign of the vampire.  I check all the
time as it is very difficult to tell if an invisible life sucker is there
or not.  But, it seems not.

Of course, I have been fooled before.  He was in that basement for years
and I didn’t know it.
And, someone I trusted went out of their way to dive them there and open
the door for them.
The discovery of that was actually worse than the discovery of the vampire
itself.

The worst part of it is the trust.  Not trust in others.  Trust in myself.
That vampire was in the basement for years and I didn’t know.
That person I thought was a friend was actively stabbing me in the back and
encouraging the vampire to stay in my basement for years and I didn’t know.
It is certainly hard to feel very bright in those conditions.
I continue to feel quite foolish about it.
I remember how unspeakably hurt and angry I was a year ago.
How deeply, deeply hurt.

And, I remember my certainty that if I could get some light and air into
that basement that it would get better.  That there were solutions other
than to burn the place down and walk away.
Bluebeard’s castle is not the House of Usher and need not meet the same
fate.

A year later it is vastly better.  While the hurt remains, it is nothing
like it was.
I am glad I made the decisions I made and took this path.
I hope it continues to lead upwards and things continue to get better.
There is no reason to think it won’t.
But, I don’t have the trust in myself to be sure.