A not that bad tired
Sep. 23rd, 2007 07:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fbhjrIt was a mostly good weekend.
We did two Phoenix jobs. A fundraiser yesterday and Big E today. Both went well. Big E is a lot of fun even if it has a huge gap between shows. Even with the whole Big E there, most of us sat by the performance area and just visited for the 3 1/2 hours. I actually liked that a lot. Especially since I got to spend most of it with my wife. (Except for the times going off to buy her bribes. Lobster rolls, candy, maple shakes, chilly fries, etc.)
She also stayed over Saturday night which was nice. It’s always nice to have her back in the house, even for only one night. We did have a long talk. Some issues are being talked about that need talking about. But, there is still one issue that doesn’t seem to have a resolution. She wants to keep her boyfriend, and I have issues with that. And, my issue is his wife. I honestly just can’t get past the issue of someone being involved in the relationship without knowledge and consent of what’s going on. In this age people need to know if they are in a monogamous relationship or not. And, it bothers me that someone is being kept in the dark about something that could risk their life.
And, my wife has not decided yet if she’s going to pursue him or not. I hope she decides not, even if she doesn’t come back to me.
(To be clear, I am not calling her morally reprehensible or any variation or that. I’m saying that she is on the verge of making a decision that could be, in my opinion, morally reprehensible. She hasn’t done it yet. But, I worry.)
So far, this issue has no resolution. And, it seems to be a much bigger issue between us than debt, money, possessions, living spaces, or social time. All those things are issues. All those things would need work. All of those things would be a long hard road to come to agreements on. But, all those things we’ve both agreed to work on and try and change our ways.
And, the biggest issue, I don’t even get a say in. Will she chase him or not? The choice is up to her, and her alone. It would be easy for her to lie and say no, and do it in secret. But, I think we’re past that. I think we’re to the point where she’ll be honest about it. And, that’s why I don’t know, as she won’t give me a false answer either way.
She did say over in her LJ about how it “came out” I worry about our time apart.
I don’t think she understands why.
It’s not that I think she’s chasing him around, meeting him clandestinely or anything like that. If she wanted to, there’s no point in hiding it now. We’re apart. We’ve separated our money. She’s willingly left behind all of her things. There’s nothing to gain in keeping that secret if it was happening.
I worry about our time apart not because of her, but because of me.
When I’m alone I worry that she doesn’t love me. I worry that I’ve got nothing to offer her that he can’t offer her better. That the allure of him will be too much for her to resist.
But, if I’m with her, it stops. She can just sit there and put her hand on mine and I will feel loved. She can look into my eyes and I know that she cares. My sadness, fears and doubts can’t abide the light of her smile at me. If she sits next to me and reaches out to me, all that is left is the hope.
I know that it is just hope. It isn’t a new relationship. It isn’t a stable life together. It isn’t years of damage between us repaired. It isn’t the wounds healed and new growth starting.
But, it is hope for those things.
Without being able to look into her eyes, reach for her hand, or listen to her voice, the hope is just one of many things calling for my attention. One thing outnumbered by doubts and fears.
I don’t know if she feels anything even close to the same. Probably not.
But, I do worry about our time apart. The hope is so fragile. But, so much stronger when I’m with her.
And, it’s not something magic. Even together in our talks it is hard to keep hope. The best case for us together is a long hard road. And, my knowledge of that does not change when we’re together.
It’s just that when we’re together, I can see the road. And, it’s so much hard to see by myself.
We did two Phoenix jobs. A fundraiser yesterday and Big E today. Both went well. Big E is a lot of fun even if it has a huge gap between shows. Even with the whole Big E there, most of us sat by the performance area and just visited for the 3 1/2 hours. I actually liked that a lot. Especially since I got to spend most of it with my wife. (Except for the times going off to buy her bribes. Lobster rolls, candy, maple shakes, chilly fries, etc.)
She also stayed over Saturday night which was nice. It’s always nice to have her back in the house, even for only one night. We did have a long talk. Some issues are being talked about that need talking about. But, there is still one issue that doesn’t seem to have a resolution. She wants to keep her boyfriend, and I have issues with that. And, my issue is his wife. I honestly just can’t get past the issue of someone being involved in the relationship without knowledge and consent of what’s going on. In this age people need to know if they are in a monogamous relationship or not. And, it bothers me that someone is being kept in the dark about something that could risk their life.
And, my wife has not decided yet if she’s going to pursue him or not. I hope she decides not, even if she doesn’t come back to me.
(To be clear, I am not calling her morally reprehensible or any variation or that. I’m saying that she is on the verge of making a decision that could be, in my opinion, morally reprehensible. She hasn’t done it yet. But, I worry.)
So far, this issue has no resolution. And, it seems to be a much bigger issue between us than debt, money, possessions, living spaces, or social time. All those things are issues. All those things would need work. All of those things would be a long hard road to come to agreements on. But, all those things we’ve both agreed to work on and try and change our ways.
And, the biggest issue, I don’t even get a say in. Will she chase him or not? The choice is up to her, and her alone. It would be easy for her to lie and say no, and do it in secret. But, I think we’re past that. I think we’re to the point where she’ll be honest about it. And, that’s why I don’t know, as she won’t give me a false answer either way.
She did say over in her LJ about how it “came out” I worry about our time apart.
I don’t think she understands why.
It’s not that I think she’s chasing him around, meeting him clandestinely or anything like that. If she wanted to, there’s no point in hiding it now. We’re apart. We’ve separated our money. She’s willingly left behind all of her things. There’s nothing to gain in keeping that secret if it was happening.
I worry about our time apart not because of her, but because of me.
When I’m alone I worry that she doesn’t love me. I worry that I’ve got nothing to offer her that he can’t offer her better. That the allure of him will be too much for her to resist.
But, if I’m with her, it stops. She can just sit there and put her hand on mine and I will feel loved. She can look into my eyes and I know that she cares. My sadness, fears and doubts can’t abide the light of her smile at me. If she sits next to me and reaches out to me, all that is left is the hope.
I know that it is just hope. It isn’t a new relationship. It isn’t a stable life together. It isn’t years of damage between us repaired. It isn’t the wounds healed and new growth starting.
But, it is hope for those things.
Without being able to look into her eyes, reach for her hand, or listen to her voice, the hope is just one of many things calling for my attention. One thing outnumbered by doubts and fears.
I don’t know if she feels anything even close to the same. Probably not.
But, I do worry about our time apart. The hope is so fragile. But, so much stronger when I’m with her.
And, it’s not something magic. Even together in our talks it is hard to keep hope. The best case for us together is a long hard road. And, my knowledge of that does not change when we’re together.
It’s just that when we’re together, I can see the road. And, it’s so much hard to see by myself.
