Controlling

[fbhjr]

Well, I’ve figured out one of the ways I’ve been designated as so
controlling when it doesn’t seem that way to me.
Saturday night we did a sword performance. It was our first since
Thanksgiving.
Sunday morning we did fire practice as we have a fire show next Sunday and
really need the practice.
Sunday afternoon, it was snowing so we stayed home. I thought it was a
good time to do the laundry, so did so.
Now I tend to be forgetful in the best of circumstances. And, it gets
worse when I’m tired. Given the busy Saturday and Sunday morning, I was
tired.
At one point in the afternoon, my wife was calling one of her friends. She
went off to the bed room for the call, I assumed because I was watching TV
in the living room and she didn’t want the background noise.
Between watching TV, getting dinner ready, and being tired I couldn’t
remember if I had brought the second load of laundry up from the drier. As
the laundry is in the basement and our front stairs very cold this time of
year, I thought it was better to go look in the bedroom closet and see if
it was piled there, rather than walk the 3 cold flights of stairs to look
in the laundry.
When I walked through the bed room to look in the closet, my wife waved to
me from the bed as she talked on the phone. Due to bad piling practices, I
still couldn’t tell and had to go look in the drier anyhow. I had, it
turned out, brought it up. I went back to watching TV.

Later that night, my wife explained that she was mad at me for coming to
“spy on her conversation and passively aggressively showing I was mad at
her for having it”. Apparently she feels that I came into the bed room to
hear what she was saying and try and get her to stop talking on the phone.

I guess I had done something similar on Saturday. I had been reading my
new book that came in the other day. I finished it mid-afternoon and came
out to the living room. My wife was on the phone to someone when I did. I
turned on the TV and during a commercial went to the computer and checked
my email. Later, I found out I was “trying to disrupt her phone call by
watching TV and using the computer at the same time”.

The good news about this is it shows me how I have come to be accused of
being so controlling when I have felt that I was not.
I can see how this could very easily turn into the “I told my friends about
your behavior and they agree that you’re very controlling” type of
statement I’ve received. Or how I’ve been told I try and separate her from
her friends. After all if I was trying to disrupt her phone calls to them,
she would have a point.

The problem is I don’t know what to do about it.
I live there. For various reasons, I walk through the place at times. I
watch TV when I’m bored and check my email, LJ posts and play on the
computer a lot.
I think it is stupid for me to have to say “I have finished my book and
want to come to the living room to watch TV. Do I have permission to do
this?” Or “I need to see if I put the second load of laundry in the
closet. Do I have permission to do this?”

I don’t know. But, at least I can see how it happens. That’s something.
Before this it had been very confusing to me.
And, it does make me resent the people who spent a lot of time saying
“you’re right, he’s very controlling” instead of “did he have any reason to
look in the closet?” or “did you ask him why he came out to the living room
at that time?”
I do think the reinforcement of her bad assumptions have had a lot to do
with the mindset that assumes what I’m doing is bad. She’s used to
thinking I have bad intent, so that’s what comes to mind first. I’m guilty
by default and have to prove innocence. And, the problem is that in
neither case did I realize I was being blamed for something, so I didn’t
know to do anything to offset that. It was hours later, or the next day,
that I found I had been assumed to be doing these controlling things.

As I said, I don’t know what to do about that. But, at least it shows me
how it happens. If I can see how the storm clouds form, I might not be
able to stop the storm, but at least I can figure how when to close the
windows.

Comments

You're a good guy!

[gilden.livejournal.com]

I was just listening to Billy Joel's: Stormfront as I read your post.
woah...

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

...

hmmmm

I feel for ya, I can see how your rather innocent actions of everyday stuff could be construed as "disruptive", but at the same time...

Like the Eric Clapton (cover) song - "Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself"....

[tamargrl.livejournal.com]

Everyone has a specific way of seeing the world. Some through rose-colored glasses, others...not so much. Unfortunately, the viewpoint that she has (that you people are out to do her harm) may be beneficial as a coping mechanism, but then circumstances change and clearly they are not good for your marriage. A person's way of looking at the world is not something that can be changed by anyone other than the person them self.

Of course, knowing that doesn't tell you how to deal with the problem. :) Sorry.

[perrin-o-ravnos.livejournal.com]

personally I see this as your wifes problem and not your own. If she is not doing anything wrong and you wander in her first reaction should not be "He is in here to check up on me". As long as you are innocently checking laundry and not actively "checking up" these seem unfounded. I do agree though, this is spillover from a time where such things were needed in her life. If they aren't needed now though there is nothing you can do short of the "Do I have permission" approach.

[zemanel.livejournal.com]

Heh, if I had to ask permission before going into my own bedroom, or to turn on the TV while I was on the computer, I might as well cut off my own balls with a rusty knife and serve them to my wife dipped in chocolate.
Luckily both I and my wife like my balls fight where they are, so it's never been an issue.

This isn't something you're doing, it's not a real issue, it just something which is all in her head. She either wants you to be completely emasculated and dominated by her every little whim, or she's delusionally paranoid, probably with a guilty conscious to boot.

[morgan-lafaye.livejournal.com]

I agree with Perrin. She is going to have to learn or rather re-learn certain coping, living skills, it can not just be you. At least in the case of the missing laundry you could have knocked, waited for a reply and said something like" umm, sorry to interrupt but I'm tired and can't remember if I grabbed the 2nd load out of the dryer, and am trying to avoid going down in the cold. Do you see it or can I bug ya to look for it?" Said cutely ( and I know you can be cute) it might defuse the storm before it pours. It sucks to have to do that but it shows her your trying. Or not I could just be talking out my ever growing ass.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I might agree if she had said anything that indicated she wanted privacy for her phone call.
But, she didn't.
I was watching TV, she was on the phone. She got up and walked off while talking. I thought it was due to the noise of the TV, not a privacy issue. So, it didn't even occur to me.
Yes, the bedroom door was closed, but again I thought it was a noise issue.
When I walked through the room, she waved. She did not make any motion indicating she wanted me to leave. She didn't say "hold on a sec Pat, Frank just came in" or anything like that. Waving to me certainly didn't give me the feeling I was intruding.
On Saturday, all I did was walk out of the bedroom. I hadn't known she was on the phone when I did.
So, without some sort of indication she wants to be alone, I can't know when to knock.