Rep grind

[fbhjr]

One of my friends pointed out to me this weekend that what I’m trying to do
with Holly is very much like an aspect of the World of Warcraft game.
In the game there are all sorts of factions and groups that you have
reputation with. As you advance in level, you try and gain reputation with
those groups and factions.
At high levels, you can only go in certain dungeons if your reputation is
above a certain level with the faction that holds the key to it.
So, there is a lot of reputation “grinding” where you try and boost your
rep with those groups. You kill their enemies for them. You do quests for
them. You bring them thinks they want. All of this boosts your reputation
with that faction.

And, it’s true, that’s basically what I’m trying to do with Holly.

It would be much easier if I could go kill some monster for a big rep
bonus. But, usually in the game you do something and only get 10 points of
rep per thing. And, you need thousands of points. (That’s why it’s call
grinding.)

So, clam cakes, fudge, sushi. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’m getting 5 points
each off of them. I need something like 30,000 points if we’re doing WOW
terms.

So, with only 5 points each, I’m trying to do a lot of things.

I understand why it looks like I’m pushing. But, I don’t think I’m earning
points by not doing anything. Even if she asks me to not do anything, I
don’t see it making things better.

I’d love to be able to do one big thing that would get it all at once.
I know that’s not possible.
That’s why I’m so set on lots of little things.

Comments

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Well, you’re right that game and real life are different. In the game it’s almost impossible to lose it once you’ve got it. And, you have to do it on purpose.
Real life is not like that.

I also agree that I need to work with my wife over how I lost it. And, I do keep trying. This is what she usually calls in her post “causing more pain”.
I have pointed out that it is not causing more pain, but exposing pain that is already there so it can be treated.

She has also said, quite honestly, that she is not ready to deal with all of it yet. Last night she got to the point of yelling at me about something I had done months ago. I think more of that needs to happen. The hurt has to be let out. Kept in behind her armor it festers.
Do I want to be yelled at? No.
Do I think it needs to happen to get out the bad? Yes.

But, she has to trust me to be able to do it. Trust me to listen to it. Trust me to not turn away from it. Trust me to try and change what caused it. Trust me not to stop loving her because I’ve heard it.

That’s a lot of trust on her part. And, if she doesn’t have it yet, then that’s the way it is.

I do hope to rebuild that trust.

But, there are problems of communication as well. She and I deal with things differently.
She keeps armor up between herself and things. All sorts of things. She doesn’t like to drop that and show her real self.
Me, I’m not much on hiding. You want to know how I feel about something, ask me and I’ll tell you. I might tell you without asking too.
I do my best not to blurt out things other people tell me. But, for me, what do you want to know?

So, that difference leads to issues. I think she’s sharing more than she is. I don’t realize she’s held back things. So, I don’t deal with them because I don’t know they are there. Her armor is good. I don’t know when things got through and hurt her unless she tells me. I thought she was telling me. I find out that wasn’t the case.
Now, I want to check for all the wounds. I understand why she doesn’t want to lift the armor, but I worry a lot about the damage I’m not seeing. I worry how much can really be healed. I hope it isn’t much more than I’ve seen. But, I don’t know.

For her part, she assumes I’m holding back more than I am. So, if I say something, she sees things lurking behind what she sees and extrapolates on them. But, since there wasn’t anything back there, she sees shadows she thinks are monsters.

We both need a strong light shown in there. First to get rid of shadow monsters, two so damage can be assessed and worked on.

I think steps can still be taken before we get the therapist with the light. I think some of the armor can be taken off now. I think some of the shadows can be looked at to see they aren’t monsters.

But, removing that armor is an issue. Despite the fact that it has utterly failed to protect her from damage, she still feels safer behind it.

And, I do understand that. I used to have similar armor myself. But, it’s total failure made me dump it. For me at least, armor doesn’t work. Why carry it?