More post memorial musing

[fbhjr]

For my whole life folks have been telling me that they are better than me and/or I am not good enough.

Jim, my old roommate that recently died, was well into that camp.
Some of the other folks that his memorial were too.
Other folks from the past with similar attitudes have also crossed my path.

And, it is strange to me that for all their talk about how they were better than me, I don’t see it.
Honestly, I was doubtful back in the day when they said it, and it’s even less clear to me now.

I’m not in any way saying I’m better than them, or worse. I’ve never thought anyone was inherently better or worse than me.
Folks have behaved better or worse. But, that’s a very different thing.

Jim went to the same engineering school I did.
He got kicked out and got various jobs over the years.
At one point his father sold the company he founded and gave each of his 4 kids a share of the money.
Jim went through what was then around 8 years of my pay in about a year with very little to show for it. Even now it would be enough to get a degree from our old engineering school from start to finish. But, Jim spent it on what many of us saw as a cult, and when his money ran out, so did his time with that group.

His father eventually found him living in squalor with untreated infections due to his uncontrolled diabetes and forced him to move home saying “you clearly can’t live on your own, so move back with me and I’ll take care of you”.
Jim was 42 at the time, and spent the last 20 years before he died under his father’s supervision.

I’ll grant you I was 32 when my parents declared me an embarrassment to the family, but they didn’t suggest I move back in with them to solve the problem. (I moved out when I was 17 and have never wanted to go back…)

He, and many of the others who told me they were so much better than me, didn’t seem to live a particularly happy life.
And, I wonder about that.

Is someone better because of the grades they get? Because of the school they got into? Because of some IQ score they get?
I honestly don’t see how and never have.

Go and do things. Explore things. Learn stuff. Make stuff.
That’s what I’ve always thought was much more impressive.

You could be the smartest person in the world and get perfect scores on every test ever made, but if you don’t do anything with that, what good is it?

I’ve always thought that what you do is more important than anything you’re born with.
But, that’s me.

Comments

[ravena_kade]

Wow. What a terrible thing for someone to say.

[fbhjr]

When that same person was living in our apartment I had a talk with them about doing a share of the upkeep.
“We all take turns doing the different things,” I said. “I’m not expecting you to like it, but pick one and do it. We all pitch in and get it done.”
“But, you don’t understand,” they said to me, not at all joking. “I’m better than you. I don’t have to take a turn.”

Maybe it was because their mother had always done it at home. But, they really didn’t think they had any reason to help with dishes, cooking, cleaning or the like.
They didn’t pay extra rent. They didn’t do anything else for the apartment.
They just thought they were above that sort of thing.

[malterre]

It was, I was just-flabbergasted, because it was not said ironically or with great emotion, or really, anything I could identify. And the other family members joined in with similar questions and turned away from the casket. I stood there blinking. I don't think they did it as a coping mechanism.