Not going well

[fbhjr]

Two of my cousins are not expected to last much longer.
From the messages from their spouses and children, it is not going well at all.

The two cousins in question are sisters on my father’s side of the family. The side I like to think I favor.

I have a lot of complex feelings about it. I very much like the two cousins in question and they have been a big help to me over the years. Being a couple of decades older than me they have been able to give me good advice over the years from having forged paths through trouble on their own.

This is my 5th attempt to write up something about all this. But, I tend to wander off the point and get into discussions of my feelings about mortality, family history, and my own view of things that seems to be outside the main stream.

I am sad that two of my cousins, who I hold in high regard, are having such problems.
There does not seem to be anything anyone can do to make a big difference for them. All that can be done, is being done.

There are folks I’d like to have in my life who have chosen another path. (My sister being the biggest example, but far from the only one.)
Lots of folks have drifted into and then back out of my life.

People don’t get a choice about dying. It happens to everyone.
So, if that is how folks leave my life it is actually less sad for me that some of the other ways folks have picked.
I don’t like it. It is sad for me.
But, active betrayal makes me feel worse.

I am certainly sad it is physically difficult for them. I had hoped my father set the standard for the family: go to the book store, pick out some interesting books, pass out in the parking lot and never regain consciousness.
Despite my efforts, I’ve followed in my father’s footsteps more than I ever intended. Hopefully the end will go well like that for me too.
I’m sorry my cousins are getting something worse than that.

The plan is still to drive down to Florida and visit one of them at Christmas as we often do.
We’ll see what happens before then.

Comments

[velvetchamber]

Endings are always hard, in one way or another. Both the good ones and the bad ones. Sorry that you are having ending-related feelings that are difficult to sort through.