Hey, I’m still fat!

[fbhjr]

I was supposed to go to my doctor for a quarterly check in last week. As I was in that contentious class, I cancelled the appointment.
My doctor’s assistant emailed me and said “She really needs to see you! Reschedule!”


I went to the lab and had my blood taken. These days the whole system is electronic and I get a copy of the results too.
So, by the weekend I could see that all my numbers were under her targets, and therefore good.

Yet, knowing that everything was OK, I was still in her office at 8:45 this morning.
“Well, your blood sugar,” she started.
“Is under your target,” I completed.
“Your cholesterol…”
“Is under your target.”
“Your A1C…”
“Is under your target.”
“Your blood pressure…”
“Is under your target.”
“You haven’t lost weight!”
“True. I’m still fat. But, over the holidays, winter and sitting in a class for three days last week, it didn’t go up either…”

She changed tactics.
“How are you sleeping?” she asked.
“Well enough.”
“You opted out of the sleep apnea test.”
“After the doctor told me it sounded like asthma, not apnea, but still wanted to do tests that would cost me several hundred dollars for something she didn’t think I had.”
“Do you use an inhaler?”
“No, you’ve never given me one.”
“But, you sleep well.”
“Normally.”
“Did you sleep well last night?”
“No. I woke up at 2AM and it took me a while to get back to sleep.”
“Aha! Why do you think you woke up at 2AM?”
“My wife kicked me. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a sleep apnea treatment that stops your wife from kicking you.”
“Why did she kick you?”
“She had a bad dream and kicked out.”
“What do you do to stop that?”
“I normally put a big pillow between us. But, it wasn’t low enough to block her foot. If you think an inhaler will stop that, then go ahead and prescribe one. But, I think I’m better off with the big pillow.”

She looked at the computer then at me.
“You should still lose some weight!”
“So, we’re done?”
“Yes.”

I walked up to the front desk.
“That will be $25,” the office manager told me.

I’d say I paid $25 for the lab results, but I had to pay separately for those, and got them electronically.
So, the only thing I didn’t have going in was my weight.
Not sure that was worth $25.
I already knew I was fat.