Wake for an in-law’s in-law

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My wife’s mother’s brother’s wife’s mother died a few days ago.
Yesterday, my wife and I went to her wake.

My wife has a very small family. She has no siblings. Her mother had a single sibling, and he has three kids.
My wife’s mother died 10 years ago.
My wife’s father left her and her mother when my wife was single digit age and although he lived only 10 miles from us, I never met him before he died. And, when he died, my wife and I had been together almost 30 years.

So, my wife’s uncle and his kids are about the only family she has. In theory there are others, but she’s never met them.

Her three cousins are very different.
One is a police officer.
Another is a drug addict who is constantly in and out of prison.
The third works at a mental hospital, and the unkind part of me thinks it is due to her wanting to be with her people.

I like her uncle, who was also a police officer.
His wife comes from a very big family. One of about 7 kids, most of whom have their own kids, grand kids and so on.

So, pretty much any "family" event on my wife’s side was in reality much more of an event for her uncle’s in-laws than the few members of my wife’s actual family.

They’re a fairly strange bunch.
(Think about all I’ve said about my family over the years and ponder that…)

I’ve never been there when they’ve actually started shooting at each other, but since the one who’s a police officer arrested one of his uncles for doing it, I believe it happened.

It’s very clear to me that they think the are the Kennedy clan. Rich, powerful, famous, etc.
And, to some extent they are. But, only in a small town in central Massachusetts.
In that small town, they’re well known, famous and all that. Three steps across the boarder to the next town, nothing.
I have noticed that many of them don’t like leaving town…

I don’t get along with my mother’s family, so don’t think I’m saying my family is in any way better. Just different.

But, both my mother’s family and this one have very strong power dynamics that are at least similar.
My family it is mostly about money. This double in-law family it’s partly money, but also partly some sort of family social standing.
And, it’s been clear to me for decades that the matriarch is the one who gave that social standing.
If she was happy with you, the rest of the family differed to you. If not, then they would spit on you.
They clearly always wanted to spit on you, it’s just they would only do it under the right conditions.

In earlier days my wife’s uncle and aunt would often host a Christmas Eve party at their house. Given the lack of family on my wife’s side, we would often attend.

My wife’s aunt’s mother would often be sitting there like someone holding court. As an outsider she had little interest in me and I had zero interested in getting in on that game.
I usually went off and found my wife’s uncle, or just sat around in the living room waiting until we could go home.

I did sometimes have conversations with the patriarch of that family who was often sitting in the living room, also waiting to go home. We knew very little about each other, so conversations were often about sports, or local events.
But, he seemed nice enough.

A decade or so ago, my wife’s uncle and aunt moved 1000 miles away to Florida and stopped this holiday tradition. We did occasionally run across folks when they came up to visit and everyone got together, but not much.

So, the matriarch died.
I didn’t particularly care. I had not stakes in her games.
I saw the massive damage that had been inflicted on her family, often due to them fighting for her approval, and was glad I wasn’t a part of it.
But, I wasn’t part of it. And, never had any problem keep out of it.

As said above, my uncle and his family are all my wife’s got for family. And, this was her cousin’s grandmother. So, we decide to go to the wake.

From just an anthropological aspect, it was interesting to watch. Sort of like watching a nature documentary about a predatory species.

The one who was a police officer was right where everyone came into the funeral home, greeting everyone. Big welcome. Big handshake.
Of course, it turns out his father was in the hospital. Had circulation problems after flying up from Florida.
But, he was there for his grandmother’s wake on the other side of the family. So, that’s where he was, greeting everyone.
I’m not saying he should have left his grandmother’s wake to be at his father’s side. But, I was surprised at the lack of concern he showed.

It was ever stranger with his sister. Growing up, she was clearly the favorite child. But, over the decades it has drifted to the police brother. Lots of reasons for that, and I get that.
But, clearly not total peace with it on her part.

My wife’s aunt left the receiving line to come say hello to folks in line. Including us.
Her daughter was like some sort of satellite to her in this. She kept moving and walking in a way to be in her mother’s line of sight.

OK, this next part is very mean. But, I told my wife I’d write up what I thought about all this, and this is what I did think.
Her cousin looks like a Carol Burnett character. One from the old show where she was dressed to be some sort of goofy person who didn’t know how bad they looked and acted like they were normal.
She also didn’t seem to care much about her father being in the hospital.
When her mother returned to the receiving line, she and her son just got up and walked away.

Didn’t see the third child.

We did go through the receiving line and greet all the clan.
The line was slow and I ended up getting stuck next to the patriarch at the head of the line.
He gripped my hand.
"Do I know you?" he asked me. (He’s 96, give him a break…)
"No, not really," I replied.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"My wife is the niece of one of your daughter’s husbands."
"Which one?"
"Rich’s sister Jean’s daughter."
He looked to my side where my wife was talking to his oldest daughter.
"That’s Holly?" (96 or not, he’s not totally out of it.)
"Yes, and I’m her husband. We met many years ago."
He looked at me and nodded.
"That you for coming."
"I’m sorry for your loss."
"Me too."
And, then the line moved on.

Going through the various siblings my wife noted "my aunt looks 10 years younger than her siblings".
"She is also the only one who doesn’t look angry," I said. "I suspect that’s a lot of it."

We practically ran out the exit.

We drove into Worcester and tracked down my wife’s uncle in the hospital.
He seemed very surprised to see us. And, we were his only visitor even with his whole family 7 miles away.

I hope he’s OK. We’re taking him to Ireland in about 3 weeks.

That was discussed a lot at the wake too.
In a family that has literally shot at each other, our taking my wife’s aunt and uncle to Ireland was mentioned by many with clear undertones.

My wife and I discussed that on the way home.
We aren’t trying to bribe our way into the show. We aren’t trying to gain status points with the family I want nothing to do with.

On the 10th anniversary of my mother in law passing, we are going to stand in the part of Ireland her family came from with all of the people still alive related to her and remember her.
I hope my wife’s aunt and uncle like the trip. But, we are there for a memorial to someone we all lost.

My mother in-law and I didn’t get along very well.
But, there is one thing I know with absolute certainty.
The two people she cared about most were her daughter and her little brother.
I’m not bringing those people to where her family came from to impress anyone on this side of the grave.
And certainly not this other family.

But, I doubt they’d understand that. Or, even believe it.