An emotion with no name

[fbhjr]

Yesterday when I got home from work I found the alumni magazine from my
engineering school in my mailbox. I rarely read it, but do sometimes look
through the alumni updates to see if there are any names I recognize.

I flipped to the back where those are and instead found a notice about one
of my old professors dying a few months ago. (Takes a while for the
magazine to get the updates.)

“What is it?” my wife asked, seeing the expression on my face.
“Professor Staples died,” I said.
“Did you like him?”

Some time later she asked “did you hear my questions?”
I had.
But, it was impossible for me to answer.

I had him for 3 different classes in school and he failed me every single
time.
Once for not taking good enough notes:
http://www.fbhjr.livejournal.com/700979.html

One Monday I showed up at class and was handed an exam.
I had no memory of an exam being held that day and had done zero studying.
It was an open book test, but I hadn’t brought my book with me. You could
use calculators, but I hadn’t brought that.
I wrote on the top of the test “Forgot about test. No book. No
calculator. Going home.”
I left the test book on his desk and walked out.
He chased me out of the building shouting “Come back! You can use my book
and calculator!”
But, of course, I still hadn’t studied. This was before giving up
drinking, so I had most probably spent a vast majority of the weekend
before drunk.
When we got the tests back he had written on the top “I guess I shouldn’t
have chased you.”

Back at my engineering school failing a class was not as bad as it might
seem.
It was a pass fail college. And, if you didn’t pass they erased the
records of you ever taking the class.
So, you literally couldn’t get a bad grade. You passed, or never took it
at all.
Of course you had to pass a minimum number of classes to stay in school. I
was always right at the edge of that number.
A good percentage of the folks I knew fell past that line and got kicked
out of school. But, for all my drinking and partying, I always managed to
stay just above it.
(They have since changed this to have actual grades. Now you can do
poorly, not just ‘only take a few classes’ as before. They say it is to
make transcripts easier for people to understand. I’m OK with people who
don’t know the system not knowing I failed a bunch of things…)


In order to graduate at the time you had to pass a “competency exam”.
A professor would give you a problem. You had 48 hours to submit a written
solution to the problem.
The day after you would go before a board of 3 professors to defend your
solution.

You could take the exam as many times as you needed to pass. The average
was 2.
I failed my first two. (Once due to a no vote from Professor Stapes as a
substitute review member when one of the scheduled ones got sick.)

For my third try, my assigned professor for the test was Professor Staples.
I was not excited to be assigned the professor who had failed me in three
classes and one previous competency exam.

I went to the office to get my exam.
“I’m retiring after this,” he told me. “Your exam will be the last thing I
do as a professor at this college.”
He handed me a car jack.
“Is this safe to use when lifting my car to change a flat tire?” he asked.
“You have 48 hours.”

In the six months since I had failed my first competency exam I had
realized just how little work I had actually done in my education. Yes, I
had stayed in school. But, I hadn’t really been working to get the
education I needed.
So, for those six months I went back and reviewed everything I should have
learned and got to know it much better.
(The second exam people had told me “you’re right on the edge. But, we’ve
decided to fail you so you can get just a little bit more.” And, of
course, another tuition check…)

I did my very best on that third exam. I had just bought my first
computer, and was able to use computer drawings for my presentation. 30
years ago, that was not common.

My analysis showed it wouldn’t be safe to use that car jack on an “average”
car.

Professor Staples passed me and OKed me to become an engineer.
When announcing his decision he said:
“I’ve watched Frank for the past few years. I can very confidently say he
has made great strides from where he used to be and now is ready to take
his place as a working engineer.”

Then, he retired.
Now, 30 years later, he has died.

It is very hard to answer the question about if I liked him.
I certainly can’t say I did.
I used to dread seeing his name on class assignments or exam lists.
I remember being so mad at him for failing me for not taking good enough
notes. I had led that design group in the class. The ideas that were
presented were my ideas. The other group in the class never managed to
come up with a working solution.
But, he had said at the start of the class that we would be graded on our
notes. And, I took awful notes that would be meaningless to anyone but me.
(It doesn’t matter that more than 30 years later I still remember what the
machine looked like and could rebuild it. That wasn’t the point…)


What he did made me a better engineer.
I’m not sure without him I would have ever gotten myself together to learn
what I needed to learn.
I probably would have eventually managed to get a pass from some exam board
that was in a good mood.
Two years later they got rid of the exam altogether for being “too
stressful” on students.
So, eventually I wouldn’t have needed to take it at all.
(I have no idea what I could have done for 2 years to get to that point,
but that’s a different question.)

These days my boss counts on me to be the note taker for my whole product
development group.
“You take the notes,” he says to me at all the big meetings. “Yours are
the best and that’s what we need.”
He’s put me in charge of a group of 6 people and I make a good living at
that.

Without professor Staples keeping the bar high, I doubt I would have made
it to where I am.

So, I’m thankful. I certainly have a lot of respect for him. That was
true then too.
But, like him?
Nope. I never came around to like.

I don’t have a name for how I feel about it.
30 years later it is very positive as I’ve seen the advantages of that high
bar.
But, getting whacked with it all those times still has a bit of pain with
the memories.

The very last thing he did as a college professor was to declare me
competent to be an engineer and OK my graduation.
I hope he rests well for a job well done.

Comments

[ravena-kade.livejournal.com]

Schadenfreude?

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

No. That would imply I'm taking joy at it.
And, I'm not.
I guess it would be more in the appreciation family of feelings as he helped me get where I needed to be.
Even if it was hard on me at the time.

[chaquir.livejournal.com]

May he rest in peace

[tatjna.livejournal.com]

I think everyone has that professor somewhere in their past - these people shape our lives and I guess the difference might be like vs respect or appreciate.

[opakele.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear he passed. It's a good story, though.

[one-raido.livejournal.com]

I do that, too. Look through the quarterly paper for names. The older I get the less I see :)

[zoefruitcake.livejournal.com]

He obviously respected you you too

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Or at least the potential he saw in me...

[anwyn-elfmaiden.livejournal.com]

here you say that the difficult and strict teachers are the best and teach you the most.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I'd say the best.
I had another teacher when I was in 7th grade who inspired me quite a bit and also made a big change in my life.
He did it by encouraging. And, of the two methods I prefer that.
I went to his retirement party and was happy to tell him that my life was going well and I considered him one of the reasons.

Professor Stapes did not encourage me. He set a hard goal and I had a lot of trouble getting over it. I finally did and am better for that.
But, he did not spend time with me helping me get over that high bar. He didn't show me ways to do it or tell me he thought I could.
My other teacher did more of those things.
And, him I like. No question.

It certainly took the nice one much more effort to encourage me and the rest of the class. And, he did also set the bar high. Not at all in the same way. But, if you weren't giving your all he knew and reacted upon it.

Don't know how to describe it better than that.