fbhjr

Last night my wife and I had a discussion. I expect she will call it a fight.

One of the things I was told counts against me is the way I refer to her: that I almost never use her proper name.
That’s very true.

I’m told that some people consider this a sign of disrespect for her. So, I thought the reasons should be explained.

Many, many years ago my (now) wife woke up from a nightmare that really upset her. In the dream, I was leaving her for a younger woman.
“You stood there, explaining why to me,” she said of the dream. “Always using my name, not the pet names you usually use. That’s how I knew you were serious about leaving me. Your pet names show you love me.”

I don’t remember the exact year that happened. I know it was before I moved to New Hampshire, and that was 1988. So, for at least 20 years I’ve made a point of not using her proper name to avoid the association with that nightmare.

It is true that the pet names I use I’m not to big on using in public. That’s why I usually use “my wife”. But, even that I consider a pet name.
The morning after we were married, when we woke up I said “hello, my wife”.
“Your wife,” she responded. “I like that.”

Now, I don’t honestly think I’m going to change the minds of the bigots who tell her I’m a chauvinistic pig and call her “my wife” as some sort of dominance thing. Those people have made up their minds and things like facts aren’t going to change them.

But, maybe some of the rest of you wondered. I’m told “lots of people noticed” this habit.
This is why. I don’t call her by her name, because 20 years ago, she asked me not to.

Apparently, she forgot she asked. But, that’s another issue.

And, there are all sorts of other things like that.
I never say “goodbye” to her, because she said it sounds to final. Instead I say “see you tonight” or “I’ll talk to you later” or other similar things.
I never watch her leave as she thinks that’s bad luck.
I let her hold my hand by the thumb only because it reminds her of a nice memory.

There’s 25 years of that sort of thing built up. I guess some of them I’m doing for naught as she’s forgotten asking. But, I can’t tell what she’s forgotten, so I keep doing the ones I remember. I’ve probably forgotten some too.

That’s spoken.
The written reasons are similar.
I’ve kept a journal since 1994. I’ve only been doing it on line since the fall of 2007.
Now in my non-on line one, I used my wife’s proper name 3326 times for 1214 pages, or about 2.74 times a page.
In other words, I use her name a fair bit. Her proper name is my default way of referring to her in that journal.

I do my best not to use it at all on line. And, not to use her LJ names either.
Why? The same reason: she asked me not to.
She said she didn’t want folks to know she was my wife.
So, I can talk about my wife as long as they don’t know I mean her.
I don’t link to her LJ, I don’t use her user name, I don’t use her proper name.
Honestly, it hurts my feelings to do so. To me, it feels like she is ashamed of me.
But, she asked it of me, I do it for her.

Like I said above, I don’t expect to change anyone’s opinion about me or why I’ve done this. But, maybe some of you had noticed and wondered. This is why.
There are reasons for the things I do. I’m not saying good/bad or right/wrong.
I’m saying “this is the reason I did that thing”.
And, I only bring it up as I’m told some people have said it is for another reason. And, when they guessed (because the never bothered to actually ask) they guessed wrong.