The list

[fbhjr]

My wife was saying she was the “worst faire organizer anywhere” tonight.

Here’s my list of questions. Each one she answered no to put her farther down the list. This is in chronological order or bad jobs, not severity. You can guess (or remember) which is worse of your own. And, of course, it is only my perspective. Your bad experiences may differer.

1) After performing would you make your performers stand in an empty haunted house long enough that they began to think they had really been pulled into Hell?
2) Would you ask a sword performance group to perform in a stairwell? (They didn’t ask it of us, but another group at the same faire. We offered to let them share the stage with us and were not surprised they agreed.)
3) Would you force all performers to be at an early morning meeting just so you could insist they eat imitation chocolate pop tarts to “make sure they eat right”?
4) Would you accuse a performance group of stealing your pickle business?
5) Would you insist that prizes for games be coupons for a small french fry at a McDonalds 20 miles away from the faire?
6) Would you try and get the sword performance group you hired to run off some customers you didn’t like?
7) Would you make performers camp on a used skeet range?
8) Would you tell performers you had full shower facilities when it was really a cold water hose?
9) Would you tell performers you had full toilet facilities when you had a plank with a hole in it over a pit in the ground?
10) Would you have performers drive 800 miles for your show and then try and pay them only 3/4 of what was agreed?
11) Would you use performers pictures in ads without their permission?
12) Have you ever told a performer “you’ll never work in this town again”?
13) Do you claim you’ll have a faire attendance of 10,000 when the year before it was 129?
14) Would you fail to give a contract to a performer who wanted them and then lie to them about the agreed price?
15) Would you blame short changing a performance group on “your computer ate your email?”
16) Would you tell a performance group you don’t want to pay them the agreed upon amount because you don’t think their vehicle is sufficiently fuel efficient?
17) Would you have a performance group drive more than a hundred miles for a show in a hurricane only to tell them the show is canceled and get mad when they want to be paid anyhow? (This one counts twice as it happened to us twice.)
18) Would you expect a sword group to perform where there is a ceiling of less than 6’ and strobe lights that can not be turned off?
19) Would you tell a group that you’ll trade promotional material for one performance and then expect all other performances to be free for the rest of the year?
20) Would you hire a sword performance group and when they showed up say “I don’t know what I want you to do...”?
21) Would you not pay a group at the end of the faire even after signing a contract saying you would?
22) Would you wait for 4 months after the performance to pay your acts?

I could go on. I’ve only covered the first 90 shows we did out of the 244 we’ve done.
And, I’ve come to what I consider the worst one and can’t bring myself to go into it.
It made me and perrin_o_ravnos fear summer camps for years afterwards.

So, just trust me, no where near the worst there is. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

Edit:
OK I finished the list of the top 50 things that have annoyed me that my wife won't do:


23)    Would you tell a performer they did a “piss poor job” while the
audience was still cheering them?
24)    Would you ever berate a performer for not filling a 45 minute slot when
they had told you, in writing, that they did a 25 minute act?
25)    Would you ever bring out a clock and time an act because you thought
you were being cheated on performance time.
26)    Would you complain the shows were targeted towards the wrong age range
when you had given the performers an incorrect list of which group came
when?
27)    Would you not pay a performer until legal action was threatened?
28)     Would you book a sword performance group to pretend to kidnap your
daughter as part of a surprise party for her fiancé who is known to have
jealousy  and anger issues?
29)    Would you expect a sword fighting act to do a 20 minute continuous
sword fight?
30)    Would you tell a sword fighting act they had to wait until the sun set
and then only provide a porch light for light?
31)    Would you totally fail to pay your acts at all?
32)     Would you soak the ground around a fire show in diesel fuel?
33)     Would you get the fire department at a fire show drunk before the show
started?
34)    Would you book a group for only one show at 11 in the morning, but
expect them to stay one site until 6 PM with NOTHING to do?
35)    Would you communicate with the people you hired only in mime?
36)     Would you expect a sword group you hired to be responsible for every
other act at your faire?
37)    Would you let your leading lady go on when she had only read the script
once three months before?
38)    Would you let your cast villain perform drunk?
39)    Would you let your cast villain, while drunk, to write a performance
fight with the hero as they walked onto the field for the performance?
40)    Would you offer an act a deposit on a performance and then cancel the
check the day after you mailed it?
41)    Would you drive through your own faire in a pickup truck 30 minutes
before the faire closed saying “Who cares? Most people have left already.”
while other acts were still performing ?
42)    Would you allow Roman reenactor to fire steel ballista bolts over the
heads of one of your other acts?
43)    Would you tell mounted knight to ride through a crowd of people on
horses that don’t like to be touched?
44)    Would you hire a high school marching band as a musical act for  your
renaissance faire?
45)    Would you walk in front of a fire breather as they are about to do a
fire ball to make announcements about the faire to the audience?
46)    Would you expect a martial arts group to perform sword fights with only
1 light bulb in a field for lighting?  (Again, not us.  We were there for a
fire show and gave them some extra light while warming up.)
47)    Would you tell a fire act they had to perform when the weather was so
bad the Coast Guard packed up and went home?  (It was dark.  We couldn’t
actually see the water spout.)
48)     Would you ask a fire show to perform under a plastic tent in the rain?
49)    Would you use one piece of clothesline to be the safety rope for a
joust troupe?
50)    Would you ask one of our acts to interrupt another act to promote your
faire’s plot every single time they performed?

Comments

[brickhousewench.livejournal.com]

Would you tell a performance group you don’t want to pay them the agreed upon amount because you don’t think their vehicle is sufficiently fuel efficient?

Whot?!?!?!

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

"If you drove a car that was more gas efficient then it would have taken you less gas to get here. I think I should pay you based on what your expenses should have been if you were green rather than what you're saying they are."

And, just for the record, #3-#16 are all the same guy. We're happy never to work in his town again. (Roswell Ohio. Go ahead, try and find it on a map. Not Google, that has things at the house level, but a real map...)

[brickhousewench.livejournal.com]

That takes a special kind of crazy to say somthing like that.

When you contract to pay expenses, you pay expenses. If you want to pay a flat rate, you negotiate a flat rate. Or per diem.

Some people just don't understand contracts. I'm constantly amazed at the number of lousy business people out there.

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

you can be a stellar businessperson but a lousy human being and cause just as much stress and havoc. *sigh*

[brickhousewench.livejournal.com]

Wait, wait, he was the "you'll never work in this town again" guy?

Buwahahahahahhaha.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Yep.
The "You'll never work in this town again" was in year two when I refused to have us drive out to OH for his faire after he told me he would only pay $100 less than the year before. When I pointed out the email confirmation of the higher rate he pulled the "my computer ate my contract" and demanded we go anyhow. When I pointed out what he wanted to pay us wouldn't even cover our gas money is when he told me I should drive a car that was more green.
We found out late why he was so upset, he had taken images off our web site of other faires we had done and used them in his promotional material. So, the few folks who did show up came looking for us and couldn't find ue.
The folks we know who did work it told us there were less than 100 people total for the two days.

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

3-16? as in the same guy who tried to get you to camp on a skeet range also wanted you to pee in his outhouse and to hose you down every night?

in Ohio?

didn't they make a movie about that... with porcine noises?

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I don't think they made a movie about it, but maybe they should...

[perrin-o-ravnos.livejournal.com]

FUCK that shit yo

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you did the college in NH that weekend instead of Ohio. If you did Ohio we might never have seen you again...

[temperlj.livejournal.com]

You're right, I have a lot to live down to...

[pallid-regina.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong that a lot of things on this list made me laugh first and feel horrified second?

[temperlj.livejournal.com]

Well we can laugh...now.

[adorabrightmoon.livejournal.com]

See, you and Holly have this thing called common sense. You use it to it's full advantage, which means you'll never be the worst faire organizers:) Oh and treating people like human beings. You have that awesomeness too ;)

[temperlj.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks
NOW BOW DOWN BEFORE MY INHERENT POWER! BWAHAHAHAHAHA
yeah right

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

ok, #7 made me laugh (quite unwillingly, i assure you), but #8 and #9 made me wince, and the list gets pretty damn bad. i can't believe any even semi-professional outfit could do any of those things.

well, maybe #11, 12, 13, and 19. i wouldn't have said that before just these past couple of years, however... after seeing what change of ownership did to Sterling.

[temperlj.livejournal.com]

Yeah. We were discussing this-we think a lot of socially maladjusted people go on to be landlords, renfaire organizers and run accounting firms.

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

don't forget dentistry.

;) btw, glad you're starting to gain perspective on your failures... or lack thereof. *HUG* IMHO, when we silly over-achieving people set our own bar so high, perspective can go a long way toward a reset. in short, thou art awesome.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

You know the sad thing is most of these things come from shows that considered themselves big. The shows we do for kids birthdays and such rarely give us trouble.

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

Mutton?! That's a kind of wine, right?

Script? Oh, that! You mean the script you gave [her] to read 5 minutes to go? Oh, but, the faire starts in 2 minutes....

One More Practice Run!

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Hey, you're one of those Romans in #42 laughing boy...

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

Yeah but it wasn't my ballista and I wasn't pulling the trigger!

IIRC I think I was the one who pointing out to [Gallio is his Roman name]

Um....You MIGHT not want to launch those towards my friends, plz.

:D

[64tbird.livejournal.com]

28 (kidnapping)
and
35 (mime)

are my faves.

Because ya know - kidnapping isn't a federal offense or anything. And abusive men never actually STALK AND KILL anyone.

*headdesk*

[morgan-lafaye.livejournal.com]

You didn't have to talk the guy out of killing your actor, or have the brute squad(Perrin) pull him away.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Yes, but that wasn't the person who put on the show...

[chris-warrior.livejournal.com]

um, it was a little amusing until i read this. cripes.

i see stupid people.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

The person being "kidnapped" was in on it, so it wasn't really kidnapping. But, they really should have told the fiance that it was all part of a show.

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

Then there was that one time where you and some other former members got to meet at a Home Despot Parking Lot in some obscure, out-of-the-way location to do some sword fights for TV and that went over all so well....

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

While that job was totally screwed up, it wasn't a Phoenix job, so doesn't make the list.

[darlong.livejournal.com]

Hmmm glad to see chasing rowdy alpacas didn't make the list of the worst 50. : ) People in these parts still talk about the "amazing fire wizards" : )

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

I liked dealing with the alpaca. It reminded me of the days I used to help out my cousins on their dairy farm back in the 70's.
If anything the alpaca were the best part of the trip.

The performance at your farm made the list for a completely different reason. I don't like doing unsafe sword fights. But, it wasn't you that forced the performance to be unsafe, so you don't make the list even if that show does.

It's nice to know folks sill remember the show. It's sad there were only 3 of us as it is a much better show with a full crew.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Anyone wanting to know the guys from #41:


It's the guy in the maile armor...