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fbhjrMy wife has said a number of times that I want her to “cave in” and come back to me.
I am very confused by this as I honestly don’t know what is being caved in for it. I don’t think I want her to cave anything in either.
I do want her to act as my life partner. But, it is very hard for me to think of that as caving. I don’t want a junior partner. I don’t want someone I “manage”. That isn’t what I want, so why would it be caving to work with me for a good life together? With things we both want. With things that will make us both happy.
And, I’m honestly asking. I don’t understand. I would very much like someone to explain it to me.
I’ve made offers to her for what I’m willing to bring to the marrige. I’ve included those below, so you can give informed answers.
Am I really asking for caving?
Let me know.
On 9/5/07 4:26 PM, "frank@hunt.org" <frank@hunt.org> wrote:
> I am willing to try out new things sexually. But, I want to do it with
> you, not anyone else. So, I’m not willing to have an open marriage. But,
> I can try new things. However, you have to keep in mind I don’t know much
> about this stuff. You have had far more experience than I have. I don’t
> read porno or watch movies like that.
> So, I’m not trying to road block you if I say I don’t know what to do.
> I don’t. I honestly don’t know what to do.
> And, I don’t know why we’re doing it. For me, the fun part is my penis in
> you, don’t care much which end. I honestly don’t understand the desire for
> anything more. So, if you want more than that, OK. I’m willing to give it
> a try. But, I don’t know how or why and will need help.
> But, only with you.
> And, you only with me.
> That’s all I can handle for now. I won’t say never any more. But, only if
> we both agree to it before hand.
>
> I am willing to try new things socially.
> I can try and go to some of your concerts and things.
> I shouldn’t and don’t expect you to just give up stuff you like.
> But, you also have to be flexible on this. It can’t just be things you
> like. And, sometimes I’ll ask us not to go and I’ll want to get that
> option occasionally.
> I won’t always want you to go alone either. But, sometimes I won’t mind.
> It has to be something we both agree to.
> Right now you go no mater what. Half the time you tell me you don’t even
> know if it will be good. That really hurts me as I’m being told I’m less
> to you than something that might suck.
> And, please be open to other things. There are other ways to be social
> than dances and concerts. You seem to be stuck on that being the only
> option to get us out of the house.
> I really liked the lecture idea you suggested the other day. More things
> like that would be great.
>
> Financially I’m happy to let you do more. As my MQP advisor said to me
> more than 20 years ago “Frank, I can tell you about a very complex fluid
> problem and you understand it immediately and can explain it to others
> better than I can. But, I ask you to add 2 and 2 and you get it wrong half
> the time.”
> I’ve never liked doing the finances. I’m happier cleaning the floors,
> cooking or doing other such things than the finances. I’d love to give
> them up.
> But, I also agree it would be unfair for me to dump it all on you. We
> could keep separate accounts and do it shared. I pay some, you pay some.
> We each cover our part of the other.
>
> Trust and respect.
> We have to trust each other for it to work. We have to respect each other
> for it to work.
> Both mean we have to open our lives to each other. You have to share it
> all with me. I have to share it all with you. It’s the only way for this.
> It will be scary. I know there is lots of stuff you haven’t shared. And,
> there’s stuff I haven’t too. I don’t think it’s big stuff, but you say you
> don’t understand how I’m thinking and feeling. So, I haven’t been sharing
> well.
> You’ll have to tell me all of your secrets. That worries me. Not that I
> don’t think I can take them. Honestly the odds that you’ve done something
> I’ll find more upsetting than what I can imagine are slim. But, earlier I
> talked about my lack of imagination, so who knows? But, unless it involves
> unwilling people, minors, harm to people or something like that, I’m pretty
> sure I can take it.
> What worries me is that you will hold back. You’ve gotten very used to
> your “secret life”. I don’t know if you’re ready to give it up.
> Especially not to me who was one of the reasons you started it.
> That does worry me.
> But, it comes down to trust and respect. I have to trust that you will
> respect me enough to do it if you agree to.
>
> And, to be honest (as I say above) all that might not be enough. Too much
> damage may have been done already. I may be too hurt. You may be too
> secretive. Both of us may be too scared.
>
> But, this is what I’m willing to try.
>
> And, it may not start at once. I’m honestly worried about what you may
> have been up to and if we need to go to the doctor about it. But, that
> would depend on what is shared if that happens. If it is something that
> needs to be checked, then the first category wouldn’t start until after
> things come back clean. If they don’t, then we’ll have to see what else is
> available for options. But, this is certainly something that can’t be kept
> secret between us.
>
> I don’t know if you’ll be willing to live to these. It’s not what you
> asked for. I can’t give you that much without letting go totally. And, I
> honestly don’t think it will bring you long term happiness. I don’t know
> if this will either.
> But, I’m willing to try.
> Love,
> Frank
My offer to her this weekend:
I) MATERIAL
a. Permanent residence in an apartment in Shrewsbury on route 9. Convenient to work. Centrally located for friends. Room for small group entertainment. Two bathrooms. Full, if small, kitchen
b. Extensive book collection.
c. Comic book collection including many trade paperbacks as well as some rare books.
d. Art collection including originals and limited run prints.
e. Computer access with dedicated G5 iMac computer, high speed internet, 600 gig of storage, laser printer, software and old data storage.
f. Glassware collection
g. Collection of swords, props & other material for operation of performance group.
h. Photo collection going back 20+ years
i. Extensive gaming library
j. Television with cable access, DVD and VCR players
k. Movie/television show recording collection
l. Willingness to work with financial advisor to get bills & debt under control
m. Financial support and sharing of bills and costs of living
II) PHYSICAL
a. Meals cook almost every night (cost of food not included)
b. Landry done more than half the time (cost of laundry not included)
c. Floors vacuumed or washed frequently
III) SOCIAL
a. Minimum of 1 social event per week agreed upon by both of us
b. Regular D&D gaming sessions with friends
c. Weekly movie night (contingent on acceptable movies being released)
d. Willingness to try new activities contingent on being able to request other options if not enjoyed
IV) EMOTIONAL
a. Minimum of 15 minutes put aside every day for sole purpose of listening to you.
b. Hugs on demand
c. Willingness to share my emotional state
d. Continued reminders of your importance in my life, my pride in your accomplishments and desire to live with you as my wife
e. Willingness to meet with marriage counselor or other therapist to try and resolve emotion issues
V) SEXUAL
a. Minimum of twice weekly intimate time
b. Willingness to try new activities contingent to having them explained in terms I understand
c. Sexual fidelity with no sexual activities with any other person taking place unless prior approval is obtained
I am very confused by this as I honestly don’t know what is being caved in for it. I don’t think I want her to cave anything in either.
I do want her to act as my life partner. But, it is very hard for me to think of that as caving. I don’t want a junior partner. I don’t want someone I “manage”. That isn’t what I want, so why would it be caving to work with me for a good life together? With things we both want. With things that will make us both happy.
And, I’m honestly asking. I don’t understand. I would very much like someone to explain it to me.
I’ve made offers to her for what I’m willing to bring to the marrige. I’ve included those below, so you can give informed answers.
Am I really asking for caving?
Let me know.
On 9/5/07 4:26 PM, "frank@hunt.org" <frank@hunt.org> wrote:
> I am willing to try out new things sexually. But, I want to do it with
> you, not anyone else. So, I’m not willing to have an open marriage. But,
> I can try new things. However, you have to keep in mind I don’t know much
> about this stuff. You have had far more experience than I have. I don’t
> read porno or watch movies like that.
> So, I’m not trying to road block you if I say I don’t know what to do.
> I don’t. I honestly don’t know what to do.
> And, I don’t know why we’re doing it. For me, the fun part is my penis in
> you, don’t care much which end. I honestly don’t understand the desire for
> anything more. So, if you want more than that, OK. I’m willing to give it
> a try. But, I don’t know how or why and will need help.
> But, only with you.
> And, you only with me.
> That’s all I can handle for now. I won’t say never any more. But, only if
> we both agree to it before hand.
>
> I am willing to try new things socially.
> I can try and go to some of your concerts and things.
> I shouldn’t and don’t expect you to just give up stuff you like.
> But, you also have to be flexible on this. It can’t just be things you
> like. And, sometimes I’ll ask us not to go and I’ll want to get that
> option occasionally.
> I won’t always want you to go alone either. But, sometimes I won’t mind.
> It has to be something we both agree to.
> Right now you go no mater what. Half the time you tell me you don’t even
> know if it will be good. That really hurts me as I’m being told I’m less
> to you than something that might suck.
> And, please be open to other things. There are other ways to be social
> than dances and concerts. You seem to be stuck on that being the only
> option to get us out of the house.
> I really liked the lecture idea you suggested the other day. More things
> like that would be great.
>
> Financially I’m happy to let you do more. As my MQP advisor said to me
> more than 20 years ago “Frank, I can tell you about a very complex fluid
> problem and you understand it immediately and can explain it to others
> better than I can. But, I ask you to add 2 and 2 and you get it wrong half
> the time.”
> I’ve never liked doing the finances. I’m happier cleaning the floors,
> cooking or doing other such things than the finances. I’d love to give
> them up.
> But, I also agree it would be unfair for me to dump it all on you. We
> could keep separate accounts and do it shared. I pay some, you pay some.
> We each cover our part of the other.
>
> Trust and respect.
> We have to trust each other for it to work. We have to respect each other
> for it to work.
> Both mean we have to open our lives to each other. You have to share it
> all with me. I have to share it all with you. It’s the only way for this.
> It will be scary. I know there is lots of stuff you haven’t shared. And,
> there’s stuff I haven’t too. I don’t think it’s big stuff, but you say you
> don’t understand how I’m thinking and feeling. So, I haven’t been sharing
> well.
> You’ll have to tell me all of your secrets. That worries me. Not that I
> don’t think I can take them. Honestly the odds that you’ve done something
> I’ll find more upsetting than what I can imagine are slim. But, earlier I
> talked about my lack of imagination, so who knows? But, unless it involves
> unwilling people, minors, harm to people or something like that, I’m pretty
> sure I can take it.
> What worries me is that you will hold back. You’ve gotten very used to
> your “secret life”. I don’t know if you’re ready to give it up.
> Especially not to me who was one of the reasons you started it.
> That does worry me.
> But, it comes down to trust and respect. I have to trust that you will
> respect me enough to do it if you agree to.
>
> And, to be honest (as I say above) all that might not be enough. Too much
> damage may have been done already. I may be too hurt. You may be too
> secretive. Both of us may be too scared.
>
> But, this is what I’m willing to try.
>
> And, it may not start at once. I’m honestly worried about what you may
> have been up to and if we need to go to the doctor about it. But, that
> would depend on what is shared if that happens. If it is something that
> needs to be checked, then the first category wouldn’t start until after
> things come back clean. If they don’t, then we’ll have to see what else is
> available for options. But, this is certainly something that can’t be kept
> secret between us.
>
> I don’t know if you’ll be willing to live to these. It’s not what you
> asked for. I can’t give you that much without letting go totally. And, I
> honestly don’t think it will bring you long term happiness. I don’t know
> if this will either.
> But, I’m willing to try.
> Love,
> Frank
My offer to her this weekend:
I) MATERIAL
a. Permanent residence in an apartment in Shrewsbury on route 9. Convenient to work. Centrally located for friends. Room for small group entertainment. Two bathrooms. Full, if small, kitchen
b. Extensive book collection.
c. Comic book collection including many trade paperbacks as well as some rare books.
d. Art collection including originals and limited run prints.
e. Computer access with dedicated G5 iMac computer, high speed internet, 600 gig of storage, laser printer, software and old data storage.
f. Glassware collection
g. Collection of swords, props & other material for operation of performance group.
h. Photo collection going back 20+ years
i. Extensive gaming library
j. Television with cable access, DVD and VCR players
k. Movie/television show recording collection
l. Willingness to work with financial advisor to get bills & debt under control
m. Financial support and sharing of bills and costs of living
II) PHYSICAL
a. Meals cook almost every night (cost of food not included)
b. Landry done more than half the time (cost of laundry not included)
c. Floors vacuumed or washed frequently
III) SOCIAL
a. Minimum of 1 social event per week agreed upon by both of us
b. Regular D&D gaming sessions with friends
c. Weekly movie night (contingent on acceptable movies being released)
d. Willingness to try new activities contingent on being able to request other options if not enjoyed
IV) EMOTIONAL
a. Minimum of 15 minutes put aside every day for sole purpose of listening to you.
b. Hugs on demand
c. Willingness to share my emotional state
d. Continued reminders of your importance in my life, my pride in your accomplishments and desire to live with you as my wife
e. Willingness to meet with marriage counselor or other therapist to try and resolve emotion issues
V) SEXUAL
a. Minimum of twice weekly intimate time
b. Willingness to try new activities contingent to having them explained in terms I understand
c. Sexual fidelity with no sexual activities with any other person taking place unless prior approval is obtained
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-18 10:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-19 01:15 am (UTC)But, I ask for counter offers, or requirements she has and she hasn't given them to me.
So, I keep guessing.