Therapy

[fbhjr]

Some of my friends have been very insistent on my getting personal therapy in the immediate future.
I know those of you who have suggested this mean only the best for me, and I appreciate that.
But, until my immediate crisis has been dealt with, I’m not going to do it. And, to be honest, someone will have to make a pretty good pitch for what it will get me before I will after.

Understand, I’ve been through a lot of therapy in my life. It was almost continuous when in elementary school. Some in high school, some in college. Marriage counseling 11 years ago too.

I have a reasonably good memory. I know the questions they ask. I know the feelings they explore. I know where it takes you.
I can do most of that on my own. I can sit here and think of what is upsetting me without anyone else asking me. I can ramble to myself (often in writing in a diary that will never go on line) about what upsets me, what I think, how I feel. And, I’ve done that for decades.

What I can’t get that way is advice. (Well, I do give myself a lot of advice, but I only trust self advice so much due to a limitation in view point.) So, I ask others. Lots of others. People I know, people I don’t know, people who hardly know me, people who’ve known me most of my life. I spread it around pretty far.

I’m not saying I always take the advice. If so, I’d be calling a therapist now, right?
But, I make sure I do get other opinions on things and other ways of looking at things.
And, I do often take advice.

My life is a mess right now. I can’t deny that. My wife has moved out on me and is in love with another man. She tells me she doesn’t know if she can be happy without a physical relationship with that other man. I can’t be happy in a marriage with her having that. I won’t deny I’m sad, lonely and miss my wife. And, I also won’t deny my wife telling me she can’t decide if she will give up another man or not makes me question my worth.

So, I honestly don't see what personal therapy will do to help that. If something like this happens in your life, you should be sad. If your wife leaves you and you are living alone for the first time in 17 years, lonely should be expected. If you’re wife is willing to leave everything behind because life is that bad, shouldn’t you question your worth as a husband?

My life is at a branching point. I go on with my wife, or I go on without her. That needs to be decided.

Without the decision being made, a therapist wouldn’t even know which one to help me with. Helping me break ties with Holly and move on with my life wouldn’t be good if I’m going to reestablish ties and work on a better life together. Helping me communicate my love for her better isn’t going to do any good if she decides she’s going to go off to that other guy.

My wife says that her love for that other man, and its physical manifestation is “a symptom of the wider problems in our marriage”.
She’s not wrong about that.
But, it is a symptom that has to be dealt with before a direction can be taken.
A direction is needed before a plan can be made.

The plan could include individual therapy depending on the plan.

So, direction first.
Direction will come from my wife and I deciding if we can stay together or not.
And, that’s couple’s therapy.

I’m willing to listen to a pitch for why it should be different.
But, it takes more than “I think you need it” as a reason.
Why? What is the advantage?
I'm willing to discuss.

Comments

[darlong.livejournal.com]

Hi It's Dar.

I am not one of those people who have known you guys a long time I just like you both as friends and I've been along this road myself.

To answer your question about individual therapy.

(Seperate from the couples therapy)

You have been wounded. Deeply. Whatever else is going on, you are a wounded man. Actions, thoughts, decisions...everything is affected by this fact.

Couples therapy will teach you how to work around it, build around it, find the positive etc.

BUt it is a mere patch.

Individual therapy, by dealing with what happened (from YOUR perspective), your pain, the other past wounds that were opened, and how it came to that point, how you can ease it, what makes it worse etc.,
offers an opportunity to debride the wound (and the others it opened) and work on healing it from the inside out.

It seems to me that any decisions and work you have to do would be easier that way.

Maybe it's the medical background...Treat the deepest wounds first.

Just an opinion from someone who wishes you both the very best.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Hi Dar,
Thanks for writing. I know there is a whole lot of bad going on in your life now, so I appreciate you being able to find any time for other people’s problems.

I agree with almost all you say.

The only point I disagree with is which is the deepest wound. My wife performing oral sex on another guy isn’t the deepest wound, although it is deep.
The deepest is she wants to do it again, and more.

She hasn’t decided if she can stop with him, much less if she will.

And, she insists on describing that as a “symptom of our marrige problems”.

Yeah, I know it’s just a patch. It’s a patch I need, or need to know I won’t get.

I understand about dealing with important wounds. Understand I want to stop the knife fight that caused it before bandages.

[madminyon.livejournal.com]

As someone who has been through extensive therepy, the one thing I can tell you that helps is that you are more likely to be brutaly honest with yourself when you are able to work things through with a stranger that cannot expose you. It also gives you an unbiased opinion and fresh point of view, and therapists are generally good about recognizing what is honest self reflection and what is just bashing yourself - something that it VERY hard to do on your own.

It is the last part that I think would do you the most good. In all honesty, you tend to be very critical of yourself, and when things go wrong, you tend to accept responsibility (which is good). However, you tend not to stop there and beat youself up a lot, blaming things on yourself that 1. you did not have control over, and 2. was someone elses fault.

What you need to do is work on what the real issues for you are, and surgically remove the issues that are not, and, with no disrespect intended, you are very bad at that.

That is why I think Therapy would be good for you, and encourage you to seek it out. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week. Would you like me to see if he can recomend someone in your area?

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

Recomend? Sure.
I still intend to use my insured meetings for couples stuff.
But, I don't mind hearing options.

So far, your arguments are the best. I'm still not 100% convinced. But, at least I understand the logic of your case.
As always, i appreciate the input.

[palusbuteo.livejournal.com]

Heya

As my former girlfriend put it, a therapist can be a Guide...A Life Guide of sorts. (althought that appears to be a growing branch of therapy in and of itself but that's neither here nor there). As others have mentioned, a therapist can provide an unbiased, professional, and "clean" approach and offer insight onto your options and choices and thier consequences, et cetera.

I'd say the therapy could be more of a tool for you to use to reflect upon yourself, it can be used more auxiliary rather than primary.

But the choice to go into it is yours. I was pushing [you] to seek therapy, but now after reading some of your posts, I realize it's impact, so it's up to you.

As far as your worth - I cherise our friendship and certainly want us to remain as good friends. So I'm available if you need an ear, and I'll try my best to be an ear, and only offer advice/opinion/philisophical ponderings if you want it from me.
(and an opponent to beat at chess or other game, if just to take your mind off of stuff for a few moments)