Counterintuitive

[fbhjr]

It is strange to me that one of the reasons we had trouble the other night was because I bought my wife a present.
This sort of thing is counterintuitive to me.
I’ve been told I need to be nicer to her. I thought buying her a present was being nice.
But, I guess it made her feel guilty that I bought her something and she didn’t buy me anything. So, she resented that, I felt hurt by her resentment, she felt judged by my hurt and a negative feedback loop was established.
With her explanation, I could see how you could say I was being mean by showing that I have more money than her and can afford stuff she can’t. And, would therefore be putting her down by deliberately putting her in a position of guilt for not being able to do something similar for me in return.
What I have trouble seeing is how that is the most likely conclusion.
Why is it so hard to say “he got me something nice that helps with a problem I had complained about, how nice of him.”
Why is it easier to say “he bought me something expensive so I’d feel bad that I can’t do the same for him and he’ll use the guilt against me?”
Of course, part of the predicament we’re in is that for at least a year the second one has been more of the standard. So, while I thought the first one was the way things were going, I was digging myself deeper and deeper.
It all comes down to expectation.
If you expect I’m an asshole, then you think #2.
If you expect I’m a nice guy, you think #1.
I still have trouble because I have trouble accepting the #2 rational. Since I’m the one doing it, I was there in the store saying “this is exactly what she needs to help her problem. She’ll be so happy to get it.” So, the “asshole” response really surprises me.
I guess it shouldn’t. It’s been going on for decades.
Back in 1983 when we had been going out for about 5 months she asked me how I felt about her and where the relationship was going.
I pondered the question for a few minutes and said “I love you and want to get more serious.”
“You asshole,” she said.
(I guess the expected answer was “the sex is good but I want to see other people”.)
So, there is a long history of her thinking I was doing/saying nice things to manipulate her. I guess I should expect it. But, I don’t.
And, to be honest, I guess you’d have to say I was trying to “manipulate” her by getting her the present.
I really did think “she’ll be so pleased to get this that it will make her happy”. So, I really was trying to manipulate her emotions. Just not the way she was thinking.

Comments

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

The hard part, for me, is to even know when it’s happening.
If I can figure it out, then I do try and get the loop to stop. (I don’t always manage it.)
But, usually she expresses it as something else, not as what upset her. Since I think I did something nice, it takes me a while to figure out the trigger.
The other night her complaint was about the way I kissed her. (How her lover did it better and I couldn’t manage it the way he did.)
For me it takes a huge leap of logic to sit there and say: “she’s upset about the present I gave her 3 hours ago” and not say “she’s comparing me unfavorable to her lover.” The fact that I’m thinking I had just done something nice and get this response make it even harder to stop and analyze it. The fact I was very much hurt by what she said doesn’t put me in a mood that is easy to think about it objectively either.
This is, as I’ve said, how we’ve gotten into such bad straights. For more than a year there have been things that I was doing I thought were OK, and she was mad about.
The things she complained about, that I tried to address, weren’t necessarily the things that were the actual problems. So, I wasn’t working on the right things.
She says things like “didn’t you notice I was upset?”
I say “yes, but you said it was about work, and I believed you. There isn’t much I can do about your work, so I didn’t do much.”
But, in retrospect, I realize it wasn’t work she was upset about.
This is why I say we need to work on our communication. To some extent we really are speaking different languages.
And, obviously, it isn’t just one way either. Stuff I said wasn’t understood and I didn’t make sure it was. I didn’t take the time to make sure what I really meant was getting through. So, if she took things wrong, I didn’t take the time to notice and do anything about it. So I let it spiral on down due to inattention.